Little epiphany

I saw the words, "just trying to make it through life" today and God sparked something inside me. How often have I felt that I am just trying to make it through life? Or heard someone else say that?

And it hit me like a tonne of bricks, dude, this life is all we got. Yea it sucks at times, sometimes a lot, we all know that, but are we just going to survive it? are we just going to barely get by? or are we going to live victorious lives? The lives Christ called us to live?? Are we going to let this life just pass us by trying to get through life's crap and focusing on ourselves or are we going to stand up, face the storm and live in victory??

I have one life to live. I'm not going to live my life with my face towards the ground, allowing the hits in life to throw me down. No, I want to walk in my victory. This life is so short, it's so quickly passes us by, and it could be easy to just try to make it through life, and take each hit and mumble and complain and live in defeat. But living like that is so much more draining then stepping into the calling of my God. My God called me victorious it's time to start living like I'm victorious!

Do I want my life to just be nothing? No, I want to DO something, I want to BE someone. And I can and will do that through Christ.

Storm

It's been awhile. I've been a bit busy with school and stuff. But alas, today's the day for a new blog. ;)

God's been working on my heart a lot these last few weeks. It's interesting how so much can go so crazy and in the midst of that time He just wants to calm me. The storm has gotten rough at times. At times I've even thought that I was being thrown into sea and perhaps I would drown. Yet God didn't let it happen. I clung to Him and when I was too weak to cling to Him, He held me tightly. The storm may bring high waves, it may look like all will be lost at sea, but that's why we trust in God and not ourselves. Really. I could so easily give up, I could just throw it all away and dive into the sea. But what is out there that is worth my time? Nothing. The only thing I have to keep me going is God.

You know the notion of 'giving up' always seems so pretty. We face a struggle in life and say 'I just want to give up, it's so hard.' But I wonder, what is so easy about giving up? Every time I give up, my heart just feels weighted down with thousands and thousands of tonnes of junk. And when I allow God to hold me, then it's like my heart is light. Sure it's hard and the struggle is still hard to defeat, but I don't have the weight in my heart to deal with as well. Giving up doesn't really do anything for me. In fact it just seems to hurt me worse. It is hard. I do agree with that. It's so hard. But why would I give up when I got the best thing going for me?? The God of the universe is rooting me on, and not only that but He's fighting for me. And when I give up, I'm not just giving up on my struggle, I'm giving up on Him. Ultimately that's what it comes down to. I'm just giving up on Him, basically saying He's not able enough to help me through. But He is sooooo able. And the best thing is He's not expecting us to be done with the struggle immediately. He understands how hard it is, He understands that it hurts, and that it's really hard to humble oneself and admit that what we have chosen isn't really the best thing for us. He just keeps pouring His love into the wound, He keeps pouring His love over us, as we continue to allow Him so that we can be the overcomers we are called to be.

I know for me that's what I've really come to discover. I have pride issues, I don't want to humble myself before God and admit that there is an issue that I need His help with. Which is funny because I know I need His help, yet there's still that pride within me. But when I humbled myself the other day, His peace just rushed in over me. I know I can face this storm, because I'm not facing it alone. He is there with me. And He'll hold me through it. He'll calm me in the midst of it. He is able. He is strong enough. And He can carry me through it. I don't have to give up! Because HE. IS. ABLE.

Hide

As a child I always enjoyed playing hide and seek. I always wanted to be the last one to be found, with the coolest hiding spot that no one had ever thought of. But the truth of the matter was, being the youngest in my part of the family, I always ended up copying my older sister's places to hide, and they always found me. Now when my younger siblings came along, we stopped playing hide and seek as much. But we would play it now and then, or at church we would play it as part of a game. And it always got my adrenaline rushing, to hide and not be found, even when they came so close to you but just missed finding you. Hide and seek rocks!!

I think that oftentimes we start hiding in our lives. We learn that if we do certain things, people won't like us, so we won't admit that we like that movie, or that we like that activity, just so we can be liked by others. And we play this game of hiding. But there is no seeking allowed. We don't wait for someone to come seek us, because the truth is we don't want to be found, or we might be judged for the way we are. People might not like us for the truth of who we are. When someone seems to get close to finding the real us, we quickly run away and hide again, in a different spot. And the truth of the matter is, if we're such experts on hiding from people, I'm thinking, we might be hiding from God as well.

But why do we hide from God? Is He not our safe place? Is He not everything we need and more?? Really where can we go that will hide us from God??
"Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; if I make my bed in hell; behold You are there. If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there Your hand shall lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me." Psalm 139:7-10
We can't hide from God. We can try so very hard but we can't. I've been learning to hide in Him.
"Keep me as the apple of Your eye; hide me under the shadow of Your wings." Psalm 17:8
"Rescue me from my enemies, O Lord, for I hide myself in You." Psalm 143:9

Why would we not hide in our God that is so far above us, and can do so much more than we ever ask or think of? Why would we not rest in Him when He gives rest to the weary? He gives you strength when you're weary. He pours love into you. He gives you joy evermore.

And as for hiding from people. My thought on that is stolen from what someone has once told me a few times. "We have to learn to not care if they won't accept us." Because truthfully, we live in fear of the past, letting our past hurts affect our future lives. We hide because we were hurt before. But if someone doesn't like something about us, that's for them to worry about. All I need to worry about is me, and hiding myself in God, and not worrying about what others think of me. I am me. And if someone can't accept that, that's okay, that's their problem. If I am hiding in God, and letting God define me, then I really have nothing to worry about with hiding from other people. It really only matters that God accepts me, and He does. He accepts me just for me!
And that's another thought for another blog. ;)

Dream

Through the last 3 or 4 days, my life has taken a dramatic change, in direction, in focus, in understanding, in pretty much everything.

I can remember all my life thinking about my dreams, and what they were made of, and how huge they were, impossible for me to do yet totally possible for God to do. There came a point in my life where the dream that was birthed within my heart got pushed aside and a secondhand dream came into play, something that was possible for me to do. Something that was still great, but it was not my deepest dream. It was not OUR dream, and by our dream I do mean me and God's dream.

I believe God birthed within us a dream for us to follow. He gave us the tools to live out the dream, and it is up to us to live out the dream. But to my great joy, it's not going to be something I hate doing. He births within us dreams that we love. So rather than God's dream being HIS dream for my life, His dream itself becomes my dream as well, and together we can share in that dream for my life.

So lately I've been toiling over this fact that I'd begun to live with this secondhand dream, and God reminded me the other night, "It's never too late to start following our dream." He also reminded me that it didn't take me years of college, like it could have, to recognize that I had fabricated a new dream, one that was possible for me to live in, and as bad as it sounds, one where I didn't need God to complete the dream.

You know I don't know why I'm right here in this place, I don't know why I allowed my dream to die within me. But the amazing amounts of grace that God gives to us, the way He wakes us up is just so full of grace. He doesn't yell at us for trying to lean on our own understanding, He doesn't freak out on us when we mess up, and He doesn't threaten me that if I mess up again He'll be through with me. He holds me and allows me to hide in Him when I recognize that I mess up, when I realize I was trying to do it on my own.

My God is so full of grace and mercy, and most importantly love. I can't get past that, the love, mercy, and grace that He has poured into my heart even when I snap constantly at people, even when I am quick to anger, even when I fabricate my own dreams. He's not through with me, He is walking beside me, and He just wants me to see what is best for me, and I'll get it eventually. He might have to throw some ice cold water in my face for me to realize that I have been living in my own world, but He doesn't give up on me.

He is sooooooo amazing!! I can't even begin to describe it.

Healing Shower

May it come in
And sweep me off my feet
May Your love envelope me
For I am weak

I've shouted words of hate
I've said things I do not mean
Whispered my jealousy
Thought thoughts of rage

I have neglected to be washed clean
I have been scared for too long
Scared of what is beneath this dirt
Scared that You will see all the scars
The ones beneath this filth

The energy to fear is too great
So I'll let You wash me clean
I'll let You see my scars
I'll let You heal the infections

I'll allow You to wash me gently
Ridding my face of the dirt
Scrubbing my body of the filth
Bathing me in Your sweet love

I'll allow You to have my heart
Every piece
The ones I've broken
The ones that have been scattered

I can't find any pieces that fit together
I keep messing up the design
I seem to be missing something
No matter how hard I try
I can't find it

Perhaps You can find it
Or perhaps You are that missing thing
So I'll let You try
I'll let You put each piece back together

I'll let You shower me
With Your healing
I'll let You have my heart
And heal it too

Thinking....

"Think about what you are thinking about." - Joyce Meyer
I'm beginning a new book, "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer. I only read the introduction but that line struck me as interesting. Why in the world should I think about what I'm thinking about? Like doesn't that require more thinking, which in turn requires more energy? Perhaps yes. But when I thought about this phrase a little more in depth, I came to this conclusion. If in fact I am recognizing what I am thinking about, then perhaps I can be in control of my thoughts.

In 2 Corinthians 10, it talks about taking captive every thought. Now I'm fairly certain that when Paul writes this he isn't writing with this thought, "Oh, they can't really take captive their thoughts, it's not possible." No, I'm pretty sure he had a positive attitude and understood that it was in fact possible to take captive your thoughts. It's a process eh? I mean when we look at it, we could say it's impossible to constantly bring every thought into the obedience of Christ. But what we don't realize is it's not a now now thing, it is a growing process. Perhaps we can say that as I begin to seek positivity instead of negativity, that I will in fact begin to think in the way that I train myself. So as I daily, err, secondly take captive those thoughts that are trying to be higher than Christ, it will become my second nature to not allow that thought to become higher than Christ.

If my thought life is in line with Christ, won't that show out in my actions?

I feel like I've talked about this before. Haha. I guess in the end I just am realizing how important our thoughts are. We so often make it all about say the sin, and getting that sin fixed, but what does your thought life look like? What is provoking you to do that sin? *shrugs* It's an interesting thought. I mean that doesn't give us the right to sin, but if we give the thoughts to God, I have this thought that perhaps God can then help us deal with the sin. I do believe that. Just recently I began to work through some specific events that had happened a few years ago, that I had expertly stuffed down. Initially as I began to deal with it, I saw how these thoughts had been so twisted that I had believed the lies and began to walk in this area of sin. All because of this thought, the thought was an honest thought, it wasn't initially sin at all. This is why I do think that our thoughts have so much to do with our actions. And I know it's possible to be an overcomer in my thoughts, and in return my actions.

To Worship You I Live

A few weeks ago I went to church, and the worship was absolutely amazing. One of the songs was very simple. And I wanted to share it.

"To worship You I live
To worship You I live
I live to worship You"

We sang that over and over and over again. And then began singing, "la la la la" The lady that was singing that particular song stopped and started talking about how sometimes there are no words to say and we just have to sing out what the Holy Spirit puts in us. As we continued to sing those words "la la la" my heart felt quickened, as though it was no longer me worshiping alone, but it was almost like Holy Spirit began to worship through me, and began to almost teach me how to really truly worship. Not worship from my mouth, but worship from my heart. And oh my, let me tell you it was beautiful.

I've stated before that I really believe God wants us to worship in spirit and in truth. There are times when we aren't sure how to do that, and it can become as simple as singing "la la la" and allowing Holy Spirit to show you how to worship. By showing you, I guess I could say I mean Him showing you first and you copying, and as His cry deepens so does yours, and as His heart longs, so does yours, and as He rejoices in His worship, so do you. Almost like a copycat, yet learning to really worship. We could say engaging with the Holy Spirit, really truly, engaging in a deep worship with the Holy Spirit.

I had this revelation yesterday about God wanting to do it with us, not just there. But He wants to dwell within us, He wants to live our life within us and really with us, not just there, but He wants to dwell in the innermost parts. And that means even in worship, even in worshiping Him, He wants to be there. He isn't expecting us to worship a God far off in the galaxy, in a throne room that doesn't have time for us, oh no! He wants us to worship from within, from what He has given us, rather than what means we have. We don't have much to offer. I can't worship God very well, but when I allow the Holy Spirit to show me how to worship, it is then that my heart leaps, it is then that I know that I'm not just worshiping at random, but really worshiping my God. And I know it's not about me anymore, I know the life I live is about dwelling with Him. "To worship You I live, to worship You I live, I live to worship You." That is what I want my life to be, a worship lifestyle. I want to worship from the inner parts of me that I didn't know existed. I want my spirit to engage with the Holy Spirit, as the Holy Spirit teaches me and shows me how to walk in fullness of life.