Faith

I find myself wondering exactly what is faith as I sit here, on this last day of 2008. I know faith is the assurance of things hoped, the evidence of things unseen. But what must I put my faith in? I know I need to put my faith in Christ and trust in all He is. But do I just stop at putting my faith in Christ? No. I believe there is another step.

As a Christian, I need to place my faith in who God has called me. I have been called an overcomer (1 John 2:14), I have been called more than a conqueror (Romans 8:37), I have been called a daughter of God (John 1:12), I have been called many things by my God. But do I walk in these things? Do I walk as though I am a child of the Most High King? Do I walk as if I am an overcomer? Do I walk as if I am more than a conqueror? Is my head bowed down to the ground as I walk in defeat because I am not having faith in the words God has spoken to me?

I have been challenged to walk in faith. Not just faith in Christ, but faith in what He has called me. My circumstances may look like I am defeated. I may look like I have lost every battle. But that is not who I am. I may not look like a daughter of God. I may not look like all these things, nor may I be able to see them, but I was called More than a Conqueror, Overcomer, Friend of God, Lover of God, Daughter of God, and sooo many more names. I believe that as I have that faith to walk in the names in which He has called me, that I will have daily victory. I believe that I will begin to walk in the authority that God has given to me. I believe that instead of walking in defeat, I will walk in freedom and walk in who God has called me.

I challenge you today to begin walking in faith that who God has called you is who you are. Begin to walk in that faith and experience the freedom of living in who you are, instead of trying to live up to the world's standards. And as you walk in that faith of who God has called you, I believe you will begin to experience daily victories as God shows you who He is, and reveals to you mysteries and the secrets of His heart.

Breath of Heaven

'tis the season of Christmas! And what fun it is! Christmas music and Christmas decorations and all such. And of course remembering our Saviour's birth.

I have this Christmas song that is one of my favourites and has been for a few years now. However I could never ever remember the name of it. However I FINALLY found it. And hopefully I won't forget the name of it again. *smiles* Breath of Heaven is the name of it. And my friends, as much as it is "Mary's song" it speaks to my heart on so many levels. Let me explain.

I am waiting in a silent prayer
I am frightened by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone,
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now
Be with me now

How often do we go through life, frightened by the load we bear, waiting silently crying out to God?? And how often is it that God speaks a word into our heart, and we know we are to do something but that load is scary, it's strange, unfamiliar, and it seems impossible?? And what is our response to that scary load? Is it 'Be with me now, God' or is it 'forget it I can't do this'???

Do you wonder as you watch my face
If a wiser one one should have had my place
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of your plan
Help me be strong
Help me be
Help me

When I was at the airport yesterday, I listened to this song and God spoke to me about this particular verse. Years ago God spoke some things into my heart, and I remember always thinking "That's impossible, but if it's what You want from me, Lord, I'll do it." As time passed, and as I grew older, I kinda let go of those dreams. But I've come back to them and realized that I do want to follow God's plans. Yet at the same time I find myself asking God "Why me? I'm not wise. I have nothing much to offer. I'm not strong." And in that God has been showing me, that it's in His strength that we will do these things, and that I am the one He has chosen for these plans. You see so often we decide we are done with His plans that seem to be impossible to us. But if Mary had decided that she wasn't going to follow God's plans for her life, if Mary had just decided she wouldn't do it, where would we be today? God has plans for our lives and it's in HIS strength that we can do it and we never know what it will do for the future of others, we don't know who we will impact.

Breath of heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of heaven
Breath of heaven
Light up my darkness
Pour over me your holiness
For you are holy

I don't have much to say about the chorus. But I wanted to post it because I really like the lyrics.

Little epiphany

I saw the words, "just trying to make it through life" today and God sparked something inside me. How often have I felt that I am just trying to make it through life? Or heard someone else say that?

And it hit me like a tonne of bricks, dude, this life is all we got. Yea it sucks at times, sometimes a lot, we all know that, but are we just going to survive it? are we just going to barely get by? or are we going to live victorious lives? The lives Christ called us to live?? Are we going to let this life just pass us by trying to get through life's crap and focusing on ourselves or are we going to stand up, face the storm and live in victory??

I have one life to live. I'm not going to live my life with my face towards the ground, allowing the hits in life to throw me down. No, I want to walk in my victory. This life is so short, it's so quickly passes us by, and it could be easy to just try to make it through life, and take each hit and mumble and complain and live in defeat. But living like that is so much more draining then stepping into the calling of my God. My God called me victorious it's time to start living like I'm victorious!

Do I want my life to just be nothing? No, I want to DO something, I want to BE someone. And I can and will do that through Christ.

Storm

It's been awhile. I've been a bit busy with school and stuff. But alas, today's the day for a new blog. ;)

God's been working on my heart a lot these last few weeks. It's interesting how so much can go so crazy and in the midst of that time He just wants to calm me. The storm has gotten rough at times. At times I've even thought that I was being thrown into sea and perhaps I would drown. Yet God didn't let it happen. I clung to Him and when I was too weak to cling to Him, He held me tightly. The storm may bring high waves, it may look like all will be lost at sea, but that's why we trust in God and not ourselves. Really. I could so easily give up, I could just throw it all away and dive into the sea. But what is out there that is worth my time? Nothing. The only thing I have to keep me going is God.

You know the notion of 'giving up' always seems so pretty. We face a struggle in life and say 'I just want to give up, it's so hard.' But I wonder, what is so easy about giving up? Every time I give up, my heart just feels weighted down with thousands and thousands of tonnes of junk. And when I allow God to hold me, then it's like my heart is light. Sure it's hard and the struggle is still hard to defeat, but I don't have the weight in my heart to deal with as well. Giving up doesn't really do anything for me. In fact it just seems to hurt me worse. It is hard. I do agree with that. It's so hard. But why would I give up when I got the best thing going for me?? The God of the universe is rooting me on, and not only that but He's fighting for me. And when I give up, I'm not just giving up on my struggle, I'm giving up on Him. Ultimately that's what it comes down to. I'm just giving up on Him, basically saying He's not able enough to help me through. But He is sooooo able. And the best thing is He's not expecting us to be done with the struggle immediately. He understands how hard it is, He understands that it hurts, and that it's really hard to humble oneself and admit that what we have chosen isn't really the best thing for us. He just keeps pouring His love into the wound, He keeps pouring His love over us, as we continue to allow Him so that we can be the overcomers we are called to be.

I know for me that's what I've really come to discover. I have pride issues, I don't want to humble myself before God and admit that there is an issue that I need His help with. Which is funny because I know I need His help, yet there's still that pride within me. But when I humbled myself the other day, His peace just rushed in over me. I know I can face this storm, because I'm not facing it alone. He is there with me. And He'll hold me through it. He'll calm me in the midst of it. He is able. He is strong enough. And He can carry me through it. I don't have to give up! Because HE. IS. ABLE.

Hide

As a child I always enjoyed playing hide and seek. I always wanted to be the last one to be found, with the coolest hiding spot that no one had ever thought of. But the truth of the matter was, being the youngest in my part of the family, I always ended up copying my older sister's places to hide, and they always found me. Now when my younger siblings came along, we stopped playing hide and seek as much. But we would play it now and then, or at church we would play it as part of a game. And it always got my adrenaline rushing, to hide and not be found, even when they came so close to you but just missed finding you. Hide and seek rocks!!

I think that oftentimes we start hiding in our lives. We learn that if we do certain things, people won't like us, so we won't admit that we like that movie, or that we like that activity, just so we can be liked by others. And we play this game of hiding. But there is no seeking allowed. We don't wait for someone to come seek us, because the truth is we don't want to be found, or we might be judged for the way we are. People might not like us for the truth of who we are. When someone seems to get close to finding the real us, we quickly run away and hide again, in a different spot. And the truth of the matter is, if we're such experts on hiding from people, I'm thinking, we might be hiding from God as well.

But why do we hide from God? Is He not our safe place? Is He not everything we need and more?? Really where can we go that will hide us from God??
"Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; if I make my bed in hell; behold You are there. If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there Your hand shall lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me." Psalm 139:7-10
We can't hide from God. We can try so very hard but we can't. I've been learning to hide in Him.
"Keep me as the apple of Your eye; hide me under the shadow of Your wings." Psalm 17:8
"Rescue me from my enemies, O Lord, for I hide myself in You." Psalm 143:9

Why would we not hide in our God that is so far above us, and can do so much more than we ever ask or think of? Why would we not rest in Him when He gives rest to the weary? He gives you strength when you're weary. He pours love into you. He gives you joy evermore.

And as for hiding from people. My thought on that is stolen from what someone has once told me a few times. "We have to learn to not care if they won't accept us." Because truthfully, we live in fear of the past, letting our past hurts affect our future lives. We hide because we were hurt before. But if someone doesn't like something about us, that's for them to worry about. All I need to worry about is me, and hiding myself in God, and not worrying about what others think of me. I am me. And if someone can't accept that, that's okay, that's their problem. If I am hiding in God, and letting God define me, then I really have nothing to worry about with hiding from other people. It really only matters that God accepts me, and He does. He accepts me just for me!
And that's another thought for another blog. ;)

Dream

Through the last 3 or 4 days, my life has taken a dramatic change, in direction, in focus, in understanding, in pretty much everything.

I can remember all my life thinking about my dreams, and what they were made of, and how huge they were, impossible for me to do yet totally possible for God to do. There came a point in my life where the dream that was birthed within my heart got pushed aside and a secondhand dream came into play, something that was possible for me to do. Something that was still great, but it was not my deepest dream. It was not OUR dream, and by our dream I do mean me and God's dream.

I believe God birthed within us a dream for us to follow. He gave us the tools to live out the dream, and it is up to us to live out the dream. But to my great joy, it's not going to be something I hate doing. He births within us dreams that we love. So rather than God's dream being HIS dream for my life, His dream itself becomes my dream as well, and together we can share in that dream for my life.

So lately I've been toiling over this fact that I'd begun to live with this secondhand dream, and God reminded me the other night, "It's never too late to start following our dream." He also reminded me that it didn't take me years of college, like it could have, to recognize that I had fabricated a new dream, one that was possible for me to live in, and as bad as it sounds, one where I didn't need God to complete the dream.

You know I don't know why I'm right here in this place, I don't know why I allowed my dream to die within me. But the amazing amounts of grace that God gives to us, the way He wakes us up is just so full of grace. He doesn't yell at us for trying to lean on our own understanding, He doesn't freak out on us when we mess up, and He doesn't threaten me that if I mess up again He'll be through with me. He holds me and allows me to hide in Him when I recognize that I mess up, when I realize I was trying to do it on my own.

My God is so full of grace and mercy, and most importantly love. I can't get past that, the love, mercy, and grace that He has poured into my heart even when I snap constantly at people, even when I am quick to anger, even when I fabricate my own dreams. He's not through with me, He is walking beside me, and He just wants me to see what is best for me, and I'll get it eventually. He might have to throw some ice cold water in my face for me to realize that I have been living in my own world, but He doesn't give up on me.

He is sooooooo amazing!! I can't even begin to describe it.

Healing Shower

May it come in
And sweep me off my feet
May Your love envelope me
For I am weak

I've shouted words of hate
I've said things I do not mean
Whispered my jealousy
Thought thoughts of rage

I have neglected to be washed clean
I have been scared for too long
Scared of what is beneath this dirt
Scared that You will see all the scars
The ones beneath this filth

The energy to fear is too great
So I'll let You wash me clean
I'll let You see my scars
I'll let You heal the infections

I'll allow You to wash me gently
Ridding my face of the dirt
Scrubbing my body of the filth
Bathing me in Your sweet love

I'll allow You to have my heart
Every piece
The ones I've broken
The ones that have been scattered

I can't find any pieces that fit together
I keep messing up the design
I seem to be missing something
No matter how hard I try
I can't find it

Perhaps You can find it
Or perhaps You are that missing thing
So I'll let You try
I'll let You put each piece back together

I'll let You shower me
With Your healing
I'll let You have my heart
And heal it too

Thinking....

"Think about what you are thinking about." - Joyce Meyer
I'm beginning a new book, "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer. I only read the introduction but that line struck me as interesting. Why in the world should I think about what I'm thinking about? Like doesn't that require more thinking, which in turn requires more energy? Perhaps yes. But when I thought about this phrase a little more in depth, I came to this conclusion. If in fact I am recognizing what I am thinking about, then perhaps I can be in control of my thoughts.

In 2 Corinthians 10, it talks about taking captive every thought. Now I'm fairly certain that when Paul writes this he isn't writing with this thought, "Oh, they can't really take captive their thoughts, it's not possible." No, I'm pretty sure he had a positive attitude and understood that it was in fact possible to take captive your thoughts. It's a process eh? I mean when we look at it, we could say it's impossible to constantly bring every thought into the obedience of Christ. But what we don't realize is it's not a now now thing, it is a growing process. Perhaps we can say that as I begin to seek positivity instead of negativity, that I will in fact begin to think in the way that I train myself. So as I daily, err, secondly take captive those thoughts that are trying to be higher than Christ, it will become my second nature to not allow that thought to become higher than Christ.

If my thought life is in line with Christ, won't that show out in my actions?

I feel like I've talked about this before. Haha. I guess in the end I just am realizing how important our thoughts are. We so often make it all about say the sin, and getting that sin fixed, but what does your thought life look like? What is provoking you to do that sin? *shrugs* It's an interesting thought. I mean that doesn't give us the right to sin, but if we give the thoughts to God, I have this thought that perhaps God can then help us deal with the sin. I do believe that. Just recently I began to work through some specific events that had happened a few years ago, that I had expertly stuffed down. Initially as I began to deal with it, I saw how these thoughts had been so twisted that I had believed the lies and began to walk in this area of sin. All because of this thought, the thought was an honest thought, it wasn't initially sin at all. This is why I do think that our thoughts have so much to do with our actions. And I know it's possible to be an overcomer in my thoughts, and in return my actions.

To Worship You I Live

A few weeks ago I went to church, and the worship was absolutely amazing. One of the songs was very simple. And I wanted to share it.

"To worship You I live
To worship You I live
I live to worship You"

We sang that over and over and over again. And then began singing, "la la la la" The lady that was singing that particular song stopped and started talking about how sometimes there are no words to say and we just have to sing out what the Holy Spirit puts in us. As we continued to sing those words "la la la" my heart felt quickened, as though it was no longer me worshiping alone, but it was almost like Holy Spirit began to worship through me, and began to almost teach me how to really truly worship. Not worship from my mouth, but worship from my heart. And oh my, let me tell you it was beautiful.

I've stated before that I really believe God wants us to worship in spirit and in truth. There are times when we aren't sure how to do that, and it can become as simple as singing "la la la" and allowing Holy Spirit to show you how to worship. By showing you, I guess I could say I mean Him showing you first and you copying, and as His cry deepens so does yours, and as His heart longs, so does yours, and as He rejoices in His worship, so do you. Almost like a copycat, yet learning to really worship. We could say engaging with the Holy Spirit, really truly, engaging in a deep worship with the Holy Spirit.

I had this revelation yesterday about God wanting to do it with us, not just there. But He wants to dwell within us, He wants to live our life within us and really with us, not just there, but He wants to dwell in the innermost parts. And that means even in worship, even in worshiping Him, He wants to be there. He isn't expecting us to worship a God far off in the galaxy, in a throne room that doesn't have time for us, oh no! He wants us to worship from within, from what He has given us, rather than what means we have. We don't have much to offer. I can't worship God very well, but when I allow the Holy Spirit to show me how to worship, it is then that my heart leaps, it is then that I know that I'm not just worshiping at random, but really worshiping my God. And I know it's not about me anymore, I know the life I live is about dwelling with Him. "To worship You I live, to worship You I live, I live to worship You." That is what I want my life to be, a worship lifestyle. I want to worship from the inner parts of me that I didn't know existed. I want my spirit to engage with the Holy Spirit, as the Holy Spirit teaches me and shows me how to walk in fullness of life.

Healing...

You know, I never thought there would be a day when I could say that there are certain areas in my life being healed. I always had come to the conclusion that it just wouldn't happen for me, mostly because I saw it in everyone else but never saw it happening in me.

Well this week remarkable things have begun to happen. Saturday, one of the guys I go to school with mentioned a gifting of the Holy Spirit, that had hurt me years ago. Not that the gifting itself hurt me, but I saw this gifting manufactured and toyed with and played around with, that I began to reject it being within my own life. I just wanted to be me without that gifting. And so I lived fine without it, now if someone else had that gifting and walked in it, there was always this little jolt inside of me going, 'I kinda wanna walk in that again.' But for the most part, I stayed far away from it because I didn't want to be hurt again. I associated this marvelous gifting of the Holy Spirit with pain. Well Saturday when my friend mentioned this gifting, my Spirit literally leaped within me. Yesterday I began talking to my mom and just laid it all out, everything from this rejection of this gifting to this whole other issue. I just laid it out on the floor, even though, mind you, I've also been hurting inside over some things my parents have done.

But I can feel the healing. I mean I told my mom yesterday, "I rejected a gift because I associated it with that church, where all this stuff went down, and where we really came out hurt, whether we realized it or not." My little sisters, 14 and 16 years old, just realized they too had rejected this gifting, and they were hardly impacted by the whole church deal. Goes to show how the enemy really can work and make you think that it's okay to walk away from something, from something God-given. I can feel the healing in that area, the desire to walk in that gifting so much stronger than ever before. I can feel the healing in my relationship with my parents, in the fact that I came to realize some deception that had been playing out, and I came absolutely clean with everything, to feel her forgiveness and love just sweep over me. Though it still is a struggle, I believe there is a beginning in my healing.

My point isn't big, I basically just wanna share what God is doing. I never expected it to happen, I never expected to want this gifting, to want to walk in it for what it is, not because it was manufactured or made up. I never expected to begin to work towards forgiveness with my parents and actually begin praying God's will into the situation, instead of mine. My point is God is good. He works in ways we do not see. He begins healing when we are oblivious to it, when we feel like it's just more pain. He is I am! He is the Almighty God. My God is well able to do above, beyond, all that we can ever imagine. And He is able to heal my broken heart! I know this to be true now. And I'm so glad He showed that to me!

Writing on the Wall

Yesterday I was reminded of BarlowGirl's song "I Believe in Love." In one of the youtube videos I've seen, Alyssa talks about this book they read. This group of people went into a concentration camp after a war, and in one of the cells, it said, "I believe in the sun even when it's not shining. I believe in love even when I don't feel it. And I believe in God even when He is silent."

I've been going through some stuff lately. I've been trying to hold on so tight, I've been trying to pick my feet back up and find purpose in all this. And after I watched that video again, God gave me this idea, "Why not write on the wall?" Now obviously I'm not going to write on my physical wall, but I have a new wall, my "W.O.W." wall.

Every time I hear "writing on the wall" I've been reminded of this guy who wrote on his cell wall. Who knows what he had left, really? What was his purpose? Was he going to make it through the week? The day even? Who really knows? But he had wrote that on his wall, as a reminder. And so my new wall, is going to become a place of encouragement, a place where God has spoken to me, so that in these moments of despair, in these moments of high stress, in those moments of craziness, I can look on that wall and remember who I am. I can remember where my hope is. I can remember WHO I serve.

Renewing Your Mind

You know I found it interesting the other day when I read Romans 12:2 for the millionth time.
Romans 12:2, “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – His good, pleasing and perfect will.”
I've read this verse so many times and honestly the only thing that registered to me was the "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world." But when you look into the rest of the verse, it says to be transformed by the renewing of your mind. THEN you will be able to test and approve what God's will is.

This verse has taken root in my heart lately as I've begun to take captive those negative thoughts that I have allowed to become higher than Christ, I have started to realize that really what is happening is a renewing of my mind. I truly believe that this renewing of my mind is really taking my selfish mind, MY personal mind, and letting it become like Christ's mind. In place of my personal, selfish mind, I allow Christ's mind to be my mind.

You know the bracelets WWJD? What would Jesus do? I wanna change them to say WWJT. What would Jesus think? I mean really our thoughts provoke our behaviour. There's a verse somewhere that talks about out of the overflow of our heart the mouth speaks. What is in your mind? What are you thinking about? What are you dwelling on? Because what you are dwelling on will most likely be what your behaviour is showing. If you are showing negative behaviour maybe it's time to look at your thinking to see what is going on. More importantly what would Jesus be thinking in a situation when things got a little bit tough for Him? How would He react? Would He find positive in it or would He complain about it and be negative towards it?

The next part of that verse says, "then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is." Wow! When we have a renewed mind, then we will be able to test and approve what God's will is. When we have a renewed mind, a Christ like mind, we will know the mind of Christ, and therefore when situations arise where we have to make a decision we can make a good decision because we have the mind of Christ and we will KNOW what His will is.

Approaching God

Last week at church I witnessed one of the cutest things. This little boy wanted to be near his mom but her hands were both being held by someone on either side of her, and she was crossing her legs so he couldn't sit on her knee. But he didn't let that stop him, he grabbed her one leg, and jumped up on her lap. As I thought about it, God reminded me of this verse.

"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16

I think that what that little boy did was so powerful. Because he was confidant that his mom loved him, and he was confidant that she wouldn't push him off her lap, he wanted to be near her so he made it happen. I believe that God wants us to make it happen, to push aside those things that make us think God can't handle it or that maybe God is too busy. God is just waiting to hear from us, He wants us to approach the throne of grace with confidence.

I find it interesting that this verse says "so that we may receive mercy and find grace in our time of need." Let me ask a question, how often do you run to God when troubles face you??

In the face of troubles my instinct was to run hard and fast in the opposite direction. And after awhile of running, I'd stuff what had happened deep down in my heart, and rather than dealing with things I began to have a heart stuffed of pain and situations that had happened. The truth is no matter how much running and stuffing I did, I couldn't find this mercy and grace in my time of need. When I was in need of it, I found more turmoil, more upheaval by running from it.

I've been learning the secret to running to God in my time of need. And let me tell you, it is not something that I would want to get away from. The mercy and grace when I need it is so necessary in that time of need for me to keep going. Not only do I find mercy and grace at His throne of grace, I find peace. My heart can be calmed knowing and trusting in my King, in my Abba Father.

I believe God is calling us to be near to Him. He is asking us to throw aside those things that weigh us down and just come be with Him. Like that little boy would not let anything keep him from his mother, God wants nothing to keep us from Him. He wants to be near to us, He created us because He yearned for relationship with each and every one of us!

God is AWESOME!!

Today marked my last day of work. All week long I was plagued with the question, "Did I do everything I was supposed to here? Did I sow the seeds that were meant to be sown and water the plants that needed watering? Was I effective in showing God's love?" I'm amazed at God's awesomeness. He works when we don't even realize it. Let me share a story of His awesomeness. =)

Back in October, I, in desperation to get out of the house and stop being so depressed, applied for this job that seemed like it would be okay for a few months. It was supposed to be till the end of April and I thought I could handle that. My job began with my buddy being this grumpy older lady. At first I went home each day going, "God are you kidding? She is sooooo mean!" Well a few weeks into the job, I found out from my mom that this lady had recently lost her daughter. That changed everything, now that I knew that she was probably going through a rough time, I just began to open up a bit, let the not shy me come through. And somehow that makes people laugh, probably cause I can't talk OR I try to say everything all at once and it comes out in literally a big jumble. So as we began to have a relationship, she began to talk to me randomly, about things from her daughter to anything really. I just blew it over as she likes to talk a lot, complain lots, be a grump, etc. Not really thinking about it, not even praying for her, nothing.

Moving on, by the end of February, I began to really dislike my job. It became a challenge to get up every morning and go to work and try hard to enjoy it, try to do what was ahead of me. It was around this time that I was offered a permanent position there, and I accepted it, not sure what else I would be doing. Well then life got interesting by the end of March, and in that instant I wanted to go into hiding. I really didn't like my job, I had what seemed like nothing going for me in life, and thought the best thing would be to hide in a hole and suck my thumb. Haha. Needless to say, I didn't find a hole, instead I got up each day, trying to find purpose, trying to find some reason to live. Little did I know that God was using me when I was very very much unaware.

I've always heard the spiel about "You may just be a sower, and you plant the seeds. or you may be the waterer and water the seeds. OR you maybe the harvester and you might get to see the harvest. But if you don't see the harvest know that God is taking care of it, all your sowing and watering doesn't go to waste." Or something to that degree. I never expected to know how God could or would use me in my moment of weakness, in my desperation, in my brokenness.

Today I received a card, from that lady, it is one that will stay with me through the ages. I want to share part of it with you because it shows God's sovereignity and awesomeness. By the way, to my knowledge this lady is not a Christian, she knows about God but does not have faith, I guess is what you'd say.

"I believe that God, in His infinite wisdom, sent you into my life so soon after my daughter's death to heal me through that rough time and you have helped me immensely!"

Inside I'm screaming "But God, how? I was a mess for pretty much the first 3 months and then the last 4 months, how could You have used me? I didn't even pray for her! How God?" He hasn't answered yet, but I think He's showing me that I can indeed be used in ways I don't know, I can be used in brokennes. There is no way that I could have helped her heal, I see absolutely no way that's possible. But God was able to use what little I had to offer and turn it into good, cause He's awesome like that! My God stinkin' rocks this world!!!! Yay God!!!

My point for this blog isn't to show you what "I did" in my brokenness, but rather encourage you that in your brokenness, He can and will still use you! He is so able! He is so soveriegn! He works in ways we cannot see! He is soooooo awesome!!!

Peace

A couple weeks ago, my friends and I went up to “Prayer Mountain” at a camp down south, with an acoustic guitar and Bible. I didn’t know what to expect, I just knew that a lot of people loved going up there and hanging out with God. Well once you get up there you can completely understand. It’s not like the view is more breathtaking than any other view from a mountainside. It’s not that green, it isn’t all beauty. But what it I think about what was up there was just the peace of God was soooooo evident. It was like creation was screaming with peace. I could go on about the morning but I wanna sit on the subject of peace.

The last few months have been somewhat stressful with school and all these other things coming at me. Everytime I tried to worry about the area of school, God would ask me "Do you trust Me?" And instantly I was like, "Whoops. Here I go again, trusting in me alone." And everytime I made the conscious choice to stop worrying about it and give it to God, and He would instantly fill me with His peace.

After this experience on Prayer Mountain with just being flooded with absolute peace, I have been thinking a lot on peace, how to have peace in a crazy life. I wanna share some scripture with you.

Philippians 4:6-7 (NKJV), "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

In the Message it reads, "Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the centre of your life."

When I was up on Prayer Mountain, nothing could take that peace away. A peace that passes beyond all understanding, something we don't even understand, something we can't fathom, just settling down in our lives as we wait upon God knowing that in His time it will work out, knowing that in the end it will work out for good, and we really have nothing to worry about.

Lately the more I've been giving God my worries, the more I've felt His peace flood my life. And that peace brings this contentment. Really not worrying about anything just gives you that freedom to be peaceful and content. I haven't really felt a lot of peace in my life before. I'm so used to worrying about everything and anything, but what's there to worry about when the God of the universe has our world in His hands?!?!?!

Choose to Worship

"Why are you cast down, O my soul? And why are you disquieted within me? Hope in God; for I shall yet praise Him, the help of my countenance and my God." Psalm 42:11

Worship is a choice. This passage reminds me continually that David didn't have it altogether, and he didn't try to pretend he did. He knew he didn't and in that moment told his soul to praise the Lord.

There are days where praising God is the furthest thing from my mind. In fact it's so far that I won't even turn on my music because I don't think that I can praise God. But it's in those moments that I should be crying out to God and worshipping Him for who He is.

He is beautiful, He is soooooo amazing. And yet it seems that I personally will worship Him mostly in the great times, sometimes in the okay times, but just mainly the great times. I want a new perspective, I want to worship in the hard times as much as I worship in the good times. I want to praise my God in those difficult trials, because of who He is.

Last Friday I had a really bad day. I woke up extremely grumpy and it just got worse from there. By about 10 in the morning, I just wanted everything to be over, I wanted to curl up in my bed and never come off it because I just felt so depressed and down. Normally on days like this I'll leave my Ipod alone because like I said earlier, I don't want to praise God, nor hear others praise God. Now I think it's not that I don't want to praise God, I think in those times it's more of a "I can't praise God because life stinks, I have no reason to praise Him" mentality. But for some reason I decided to turn on my music. Within a few hours, I began to start really thinking about worship, and in that moment, though my soul felt weak and tired, and weary and I wanted to just give up, I forced myself to worship. And things inside began to change. Though the circumstances around me stayed the same, my view of God and what He could do in my life began to change as I recognized that I worship not because my life is great, but I worship because my God is great!

The Heart of a Worshipper

So I've been thinking about worship (in the form of music) a lot...so I'm gonna do a series of blogs about worship, they may not be one after the other, and there may not be a series as in a whole bunch of them, maybe just 2 or 3, we shall see. So let’s begin. =)

I really really enjoy music. Honestly the invention of each instrument, and putting them all together, with words, is just awesome! That is beauty right there.

This morning on the drive to work I began to wonder, what does music do to God’s heart? I mean I know what music does to my heart, my mood, etc. I wonder if there are songs we sing to Him that move His heart that cause Him to smile in joy, that even move His heart.

John 4:23-24 talks about what a true worshipper is. A true worshipper is someone that worships in spirit and truth.

I can sing songs at church, for example singing “Blessed be Your name”. Does my heart cry out “God I will bless Your name, I will bless Your name in hardship, in sorrow. I will bless Your name in joyous times, in refreshing times. I will bless Your name, Lord!”? What is my heart telling God? What is the truth of the words I speak?

I wonder what happens when we put our heart into those words, and we cry out from our depths, “Blessed be Your name.” In worship, sometimes I’m just singing, other times I’m crying out from the depths of my pain, praying God would do something in my situation. I wonder what would happen if I began to sing sweet songs of worship to my God, my Abba, from the depths of my heart, because He is good, because of who He is. And what would happen if I sang those songs even in my darkest moment, even in my happiest, lightest moment?



I’m not sure I know what would happen for sure. I don’t think there would be fireworks, I don’t think there would be a lightning bolt from Heaven (although that would be sweet!), or any of that. But I think if I stopped focusing on myself in my worship, and started focusing on the One WORTHY of worship, that this heart change will maybe move the heart of God. I don’t think it would make Him love me more, I don’t think it would cause Him to dance over me any more than He already is. But maybe just maybe I can reach out to the heart of God and shout my songs of praise to Him. And maybe in my darkest hour, as I praise His name, a peace will flood my heart instead of the anxiety that frequents my heart. Maybe as I focus my attention on Him, on the One who created me, and as I pour out my vial of worship, maybe I can be a true worshipper of God. Maybe I can begin to know Him more as I stop focusing on me and start focusing on Him.

My challenge for myself is to stop just singing the great songs to God, and start putting my heart into it, start praising my God because of who He is. I see His hand all over my life but so often I get distracted by me. What if I put me aside? What if I put my selfish desires aside and began to worship the One who is worthy, the One who is far above and beyond?

blah

So I'm in the mood to blog but I got nothing really important to blog so I'm just gonna ramble and you never know something might come out of it. =P

Tonight and tomorrow morning is this conference thing that I'm going to. I'm excited about it. Like REALLY excited about it. I'll be going alone, cuz I'm cool like that and actually I really think that I can almost receive more when I'm all alone. Many people tend to think I'm weird for doing things alone, but whateves. I just don't even care anymore. I'm getting this desperation in my soul. Because I know I really can't go on without God anymore. I've been trying so hard to deal with these hurts on my own, but it's not working out. And I've finally come to the end of my rope. I don't want to deal with them ever, but there is something deeper that screams to let go of them. I don't want to have no room in my heart because I'm holding onto hurts. I know God can use me broken and holding onto my stuff, but I think living the way He has called me to live, in freedom, it's in that place that will be so much more freeing to be used as God wants. Seriously, ack! Why didn't I think of that before? Seriously, there are so many things that I have been held back from because of my stuff, I've been scared to do certain things for all these fears that come from all these hurts that I've been holding onto. Hmmm...yes it's time to let God deal with that. It's time to put it at His feet, let Him deal with it, and rest in my Abba's arms! And to walk in freedom. There is healing for me. There is freedom for me. And by walking in that, I will be living the life God intended me to live, rather than the life that I decided would be safer...because really is it safer?

So I got that conference, I don't know what to expect but I'm open to receiving from God. Tomorrow after the conference I'm going to my friend's house for the afternoon. I miss them. They used to live here and then moved again, so I have hardly seen them. So it'll be exciting to just chill with her and her husband and of course their lovely doggies! woot!! Then tomorrow night I'm gonna go to a different conference. Just for the night, it's been going on the whole week but I'm finally going to go. So that will be exciting. Then the rest of the weekend will probably be focused on getting some sort of order. It's starting to look like a lovely little hurricane touched down, and I'm supposed to be moving soon. =\

Wow that was random. =\ lovely.

Lamentations 3:1-36

This is the passage I was referring to in my previous post. It's from the Message Bible.

1-3 I'm the man who has seen trouble,
trouble coming from the lash of God's anger.
He took me by the hand and walked me
into pitch-black darkness.
Yes, he's given me the back of his hand
over and over and over again.
4-6 He turned me into a scarecrow
of skin and bones, then broke the bones.
He hemmed me in, ganged up on me,
poured on the trouble and hard times.
He locked me up in deep darkness,
like a corpse nailed inside a coffin.

7-9 He shuts me in so I'll never get out,
manacles my hands, shackles my feet.
Even when I cry out and plead for help,
he locks up my prayers and throws away the key.
He sets up blockades with quarried limestone.
He's got me cornered.

10-12 He's a prowling bear tracking me down,
a lion in hiding ready to pounce.
He knocked me from the path and ripped me to pieces.
When he finished, there was nothing left of me.
He took out his bow and arrows
and used me for target practice.

13-15 He shot me in the stomach
with arrows from his quiver.
Everyone took me for a joke,
made me the butt of their mocking ballads.
He forced rotten, stinking food down my throat,
bloated me with vile drinks.

16-18 He ground my face into the gravel.
He pounded me into the mud.
I gave up on life altogether.
I've forgotten what the good life is like.
I said to myself, "This is it. I'm finished.
God is a lost cause."

19-21 I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,
the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed.
I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—
the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there's one other thing I remember,
and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:

22-24 God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning.
How great your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
He's all I've got left.

25-27 God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
to the woman who diligently seeks.
It's a good thing to quietly hope,
quietly hope for help from God.
It's a good thing when you're young
to stick it out through the hard times.

28-30 When life is heavy and hard to take,
go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions:
Wait for hope to appear.
Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face.
The "worst" is never the worst.

31-33 Why? Because the Master won't ever
walk out and fail to return.
If he works severely, he also works tenderly.
His stockpiles of loyal love are immense.
He takes no pleasure in making life hard,
in throwing roadblocks in the way:

34-36 Stomping down hard
on luckless prisoners,
Refusing justice to victims
in the court of High God,
Tampering with evidence—
the Master does not approve of such things.

hope

Lately everywhere I turn it's like the word "Hope" follows me. You know that creepy stalkery type following? Yea I feel like it's right behind me, tapping me on the shoulder, grinning, and then jumping out at me and saying "BOO!"

The other night I was reading a book by Chip Ingram called, "God As He Longs For You To See Him." This chapter is about God's faithfulness. After the intro paragraph there was a long Bible passage. I got excited cuz it looked like it'd be fun to read. Why would it be fun to read? Because I thoroughly enjoy reading the Bible and a few other random books out loud. I can add so much more emphasis and picture and almost feel the setting of it. As I began to read, I realized how sad and mournful and hopeless the entire passage sounded. After reading the first 20 verses of Lamentations you'd think, all hope is gone, there's nothing more, but then Jeremiah goes onto say, "But there's one thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope, God's loyal love couldn't have run out, His merciful love couldn't have dried out."

Let's pause for a moment to think on that. *pauses*

What is hope?? We as humans are always hoping in something. We hope the test results come back good, we hope that our favourite team wins the cup, we hope that we get the finances, on and on it goes. We put our hope in things that will pass, in things that may not come to pass. Sometimes we put our hope in things that are not sure and not stable. I know I have soooo many bazillion times. But what would happen if I shifted my gear and began to grip onto God? I think that I would begin to see my moments of lamenting turn into something totally different. Lament but then remember where my hope lies in. My hope is not in the situation, in any circumstance, it is in my God who is so huge. It's His love that is so loyal and His love that keeps me going.

I have so much more to say as always. haha.

a little bit of me..

I remember as I was growing up always thinking, "How do those people do it? How do they read the Bible and pray and never grow tired of God? Doesn't there come a point when you're bored?"
I knew in my heart that there was this great huge God out there, but I had put Him in a box. So He became little in my eyes. I knew His character was love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, faithfulness. He was all these attributes but only on the surface level. And even then I didn't believe it. The Bible was just a bunch of words that screamed at me to be a better person, that told me I would never be enough. I believed in God. I knew about God, but to have a relationship with Him was beyond me.
I pretended for so long that God wasn't in a box, that He really was as big as He is. I pretended that I knew God personally. But I didn't, because I didn't know how to communicate with a God that had given me the Bible full of all these rigid rules and regulations, and set the standard so high that I couldn't seem to reach it.

These past four months have been pretty intense. *smiles* But in these hard months, I have found my reason for living. I have come to recognize that God is not a God of the small box, He is the God of the universe! And He cares so much about every single detail of my life. He loves me so much. He took time to careful intricately design me from the beginning of time. And choose to breathe life into me. (Job 10:8a and Job 33:4) I have come to realize that the Bible is not full of rules and regulations, it's a love letter. It's a reminder of what God has done, so we can see what He will do. He's not too small to handle anything. He is a God of love. And what's more is He's my Daddy. He's my Daddy.

To answer my questions that I had as a child. People can desire God so much because He is not small, He is not in a box, and there are so many levels and so many depths to the attributes of who He is. If I am seeking God daily, I can't get tired of Him, because He is sooooo huge and so vast and so beyond my understanding. And He's my Daddy. He doesn't get boring, because He can't, cause there is sooooo much more to Him. I am so thankful for that. My journey through my life won't be boring unless I stpo seeking Him. My journey will be fun and full of life because He is so fun and big and beyond me!!

How Great the Father's Love for Me

How great is the Father's love for me. *smiles* I've heard it so many times, "God loves you!" And it's true, however I often times wonder how, why, and what was He thinking?!?!?! I don't have answers to this but God just keeps showing me so much love. As I begin to find these areas of my life that need to be dealt with He just keeps loving me.

Tonight I was listening to some music, and this song came on. And as I listened to it, I just felt as though I was the girl in the song. And what's more is that He loves us sooooo much, I don't think we can even try to describe it. I have more to say but for now I'm just gonna post the lyrics to the song.

"Why" by Nichole Nordeman
We rode into town the other day
Just me and my Daddy
He said I'd finally reached that age
And I could ride next to him on a horse
That of course was not quite as wide

We heard a crowd of people shouting
And so we stopped to find out why
And there was that man
That my dad said he loved
But today there was fear in his eyes

So I said "Daddy, why are they screaming?
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why is He dressed in that bright purple robe?
I'll bet that crown hurts Him more than He shows
Daddy, please can't you do something?
He looks as though He's gonna cry
you said he was stronger than all of those guys
addy, please tell me why
Why does everyone want him to die?"

Later that day the sky grew cloudy
And Daddy said I should go inside
Somehow he knew things would get stormy
Boy was he right
But I could not keep from wondering
If there was something he had to hide

So after he left I had to find out
I was not afraid of getting lost
So I followed the crowds
To a hill where I knew men had been killed
And I heard a voice come from the cross

And it said, "Father, why are they screaming?
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why are they casting their lots for My robe?
This crown of thorns hurts Me more than it shows
Father, please can't You do something?
I know that You must hear My cry
I thought I could handle the cross of this size
Father, remind Me why
Why does everyone want Me to die?
When will I understand why?"

"My precious Son, I hear them screaming
I'm watching the face of the enemy beaming
But soon I will clothe You in robes of My own
Jesus, this hurts Me much more than You know
But this dark hour I must do nothing
Though I've heard Your unbearable cry
The power in Your blood destroys all of the lies
Soon You'll see past their unmerciful eyes
Look there below, see the child
Trembling by her father's side
Now I can tell You why
She is why You must die"

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God is good.....Part 2

Yes God is good. My car went into the shop and got fixed yesterday. When the mechanic was finished, he mentioned that the misfiring was probably caused by the cylinder that had been going since I bought the car. Unfortunately I didn't know about the misfiring, funny how that works, that my dad and mechanic know about it, but the driver doesn't. *chuckles* Oh well. God is good. He's watching out for me. Tonight I thought I'd take my car to my friends for the campfire we were having, rather than jogging it. I didn't make it out of my driveway, before my car decided it was done. But God is good. You see, both times, I had intentions of driving my car to the city the next day, and both times I decided to drive it before and found out, it's just not what it was last week. I made the decision tonight to say good-bye to Sally, my beautiful dark blue 1988 Dodge Shadow. *sniff* She shall be missed. *smiles*

The previous "God is good" blog has really caused me to re-evaluate this situation tonight. I'm going to be totally honest here for a second. I'm worn out, I'm tired, I'm stressed, and I just wanted one thing to go right for me, and when my car just was finished, it's hard to keep saying God is good. Yet I remembered what I wrote and knew I couldn't just forget that, because God is good. Though it's hard, I keep saying that, and I keep looking to find the good in each situation I'm faced with, and hope fills me, because I know He is good. It's so hard to not be discouraged. The future looks pretty bad if you look at it in the natural eyes. But I'm trying to remember that I have a Father that is bigger than my natural circumstances, and He is in control. He's taken care of me in other situations, what is different about these ones I'm faced? God is good. In the middle of this storm, God is good.

I love you

You speak it once,
You speak it twice
The three words that i detest

i don't believe it
too many times have i heard those words
only to see the actions out of place,
not in line,
like a knife in my heart
the lie of love cuts me deep to my very core
i think i can love no more

Again You speak those words into my life
Gently, softly, with tenderness

i scream in rage
i know the truth
You can't love me, no one can
for it is I,
it is I,
that has wronged the world

A third time You speak over me,
softly, gently, taking me in Your arms

but i won't have it,
i won't let You near
for You too will find the truth about me
You will learn the secrets of why i can't be loved
then You too will walk out of my life

i can't let You near, do You see?
my heart can't be broken,
the pieces are already scattered so
so stop saying it,
stop speaking it,
You can't love me
I'm hideous You see?

i see You gather the pieces,
the pieces of something familiar,
my heart,
the pieces lost,
broken,
trampled
You gather them together.

i see something that i don't quite understand
something bringing the pieces together again
"what are You doing?
leave me alone,
i can't do anything for You
i can't be anyone for You"

i see a man on a cross breathe His last breath
You reach over with a completed heart in hand
You place it inside me
and say "I love you."

today, here's my heart back to You
all i can say to You is this,
I love You.

God is good?

Monday night I had gone downtown to do a few errands. On my way home, my car just decided to die. I didn't know what to do, so I just tried to get it started again, to at least get it off the road, after a few times of trying, it started and I made it home saftely. In the moment, I wanted to scream at God, "Why do You keep doing this? Why does EVERYTHING go wrong when I am trying to work through stuff? Can't You just let one or two things come in at a time rather than all this stuff?" But I've been learning to trust, so I couldn't very well say that to God when I'm trusting Him with these other bigger things. I didn't know for certain if it would be worth fixing or just let it go to car heaven, because my dad has been careful from day one to make sure I know, it might just die one day and there would be no reason to get it going again, and I thought it's time had come on July 14, 2008 at 7:43 PM. But the story doesn't end there as I thought.

Last night my dad looked at it. Then he showed me the problem. Apparently the alternator belt isn't supposed to look the way it did. My dad told me that it was the worst he'd ever seen and he had no idea how it didn't snap before that point. Instantly I was filled with, "God is good!" I was so thankful I hadn't been on the highway when it decided to snap or something. Man, God is good, eh? I mean He knew!

But let me just backtrack for a second, what would have been my response had I learned it was going to cost more than it is? What would have been my response if it wasn't worth fixing? I probably would have been very angry. I probably would have gotten over it sooner or later but I still would have been upset. And let me tell you I would NOT have been saying God is good.

My question is, if God is good in that situation, does it change if the situation is different? Does He suddenly become not good because the situation didn't go as we wanted it to?

I don't believe it changes at all. God is good regardless of my circumstances. God is good when my family is struggling. God is good when I'm unsure of the next adventure. God is good when I feel scared. God is good when bad things happen. And can I just let out a yelp and say "YAY!!"? Hello! God is good! Always and forever. I can trust in that! He is good! Today, tomorrow, and forever more. He is good in the bad, He is good in the good!!! He's always good!!!

I don't see the end result in the middle of the situation, but if I look back on many of the situations in my life, I see the good that came out of it, just like Romans 8:28 says!

Worry

"Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on it. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your Heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?" Matthew 6:25-27

I actually really like the entire passage right up until verse 33 but decided against writing it all here. This is one of the passages I had to memorize in high school, I think on more than one occasion. But it never spoke to me the way it does now. A.W. Tozer said, "Absolutely refuse to worry." When I first read that quote by him, I was like "That is SO good buddy!!" But little did I know how good it is.

This week I have had to learn to not worry about my life. I began thinking of everything that could go wrong with college, namely roommates, since I've had past experiences that weren't so pleasant, so I just began worrying that I would get another girl who hated me, or who we couldn't stand each other, etc. Thursday night I just had had it. I had worried far too much, I was stressed out to the max, my head ached and my mom was pushing me to do this, and do that. And finally I told her, "I'm not worried about it. God is in control." The same attitude went through Friday. Sure the thoughts of worry keep creeping up, but the great thing is, I have control over what I think, so I just gotta say "NO!" and move on with life. I have to absolutely refuse to worry, because guess what? I am not adding an hour to my life, I am not adding any height to my life. Rather I do believe that I am taking away from it. I definitely didn't enjoy Wednesday and Thursday, it made me almost physically sick from worrying. But the minute I just said no to it, something changed.

Earlier this morning I was thinking about that. If I refuse to worry about it, that means I am trusting in my sovereign God, knowing that He has good plans for me. I do my part but the rest is up to Him. I can't control anything, so why not let Him control it?? By not worrying, I'm trusting in Him, like Proverbs 3 tells me too.

So my end point is "Trusting is better than worry."

=D

I am sitting here staring at my acceptance letter and revisiting memories of two years ago in January. Exact same position, so excited to be going to college. *laughs* Oh how God changes things. Or should I say "Oh how often I put my fingers in my ear to not hear God?"

2 years ago in January, I got my acceptance letter to the community college near us. Let me tell you I was excited. *chuckles* Until March when I went to Los Angeles with my high school class, and both my principal and teacher suggested that I look into being apart of the kids ministry there. I was tore up because my plan was set so perfectly, I was so ready to go and do what "God told me to." Looking back I realize I didn't pray about it. I just went for it, it seemed right and I wanted an education, I wanted to be the different one in my family, and I wasn't settling for less. So I pursued that. But then God shook my world up. And I allowed Him to. And seriously, going to Los Angeles was so great. I learned so much. I could go on for hours about that year long trip.

*smiles* You'd think I would have learned my lesson the first time. Seek God on the in every situation, ask Him for direction, go where He wills. But I didn't. October of last year, I was determined to go to a small Bible School that my friend had gone to. She loved it, and I was ready to go as well. My job would work well with it, everything was perfect. UNTIL beginning of June. My youth pastor suggested I call the school and find out more about the first year school. I know I know, I left my schooling for like almost last minute. But I knew with this school, I didn't have to apply months in advance, I could pay with cash and all was good to go. But after calling them and finding out a series of things, I realized it was time to start praying. Yes, 9 months later I started praying. As I prayed I began to realize that wasn't the right choice but rather this other college was where I felt God leading me. So here I am today, praying I've learned my lesson and that next time there's a decision, I pray FIRST and follow Him, rather than having to scurry to get everything together.

Honestly though, I have felt so at peace about this since I applied. I know God's in control, and I just gotta keep following His footsteps. Since the beginning I've been saying, "If this is my sacrificing Isaac moment, then I'm willing. But if it is my moment to really give everything, I'm also willing." I'm just going to trust Him, it's easier than freaking out repeatedly over everything. I know from experience!

What holds you back from your freedom??

The other day I was listening to a podcast from Mosaic Ministries by Erwin McManeus and he said this, "Whatever we fear, establishes the boundaries and limitations of your life. Our fears limit and determine our freedom."

As I got to thinking about it throughout the day, I realized how true this is. How often is it that my fears hold me back from experiencing my freedom. I have freedom. I am free. But do I choose to live in that freedom, or do I allow my fears to hold me back from my freedom. Do I let my fears establish the boundaries of walking in my freedom?

What about the fear of the Lord? If I have the fear of the Lord, the boundaries and limitations of my life would be much different than my fear of bridges. My fear of bridges, limits me from crossing bridges. But my fear of God would mean my freedom would be only limited by God.

My challenge for myself this week is to not let my earthly fears hold me back, instead I want to focus all my fear on God and stand knowing and trusting that He is in control!

That's all I got to say. =)

Cinnamon Fettucine Alfredo

Tonight was the first night I had ever celebrated my birthday with capris and a t-shirt on. I didn't have a sweater, nothing. It was pleasant, that is for certain. I wish my birthday was in June every year! *smiles* My birthday was really 4 months ago, and no I did NOT turn another year older because I celebrated "again". My parents had decided they'd take me out for a birthday dinner, and with tax season coming and going and...well my parents are climbing the hill quite steadily so their minds aren't exactly what they used to be, we finally remembered/had time to go tonight.

We went to some place that they enjoyed, and had more of a variety, for my pickiness. The drive to the restaurant proved to be boring so I had already decided that I'd get Fettucine Alfredo if they had it. And sure enough they did. Oh and I could even ADD cheese to it. *does a happy dance*

Order comes up and much to my enjoyment there is my delightful meal placed before me. I can't wait to dig in, but I also don't like burning my tongue, Tonya, so I just waited a few moments. Soon enough I dug in, and much to my dismay, I felt as though I was eating cinnamon and a little bit of pasta. NOT my idea of good. *shudders* Maybe others like it, but not I. Legally they should warn their patrons that the Fettucine Alfredo, is NOT Fettucine Alfredo, but rather it is Cinnamon Fettucine Alfredo.

I made a really lovely face, I'm quite positive of that. My dad noted it, but didn't comment. I tried another bite, no let me be honest. I'm a sniffer. If I have not eaten the food before, I sniff it, if it tastes gross, I sniff it, if it tastes good, I sniff it. The taste is only half of it, the smell is the other half. If you haven't been doing so, you should really take up on this great habit. You may be laughed at, mocked, and made fun of, but they just don't know what they are missing.
*jumps back to topic* I sniffed the pasta and yes it smelled like cinnamon.

My parents tasted it as well to try and help me figure out if my taste buds and smell buds were completely gone, or if it was the pasta. I know where I got my faces from. =D

In the end, our waitress was so very kind and asked me if I'd like something else, so I ordered something else. It came to me sizzling, steaming, and hotter than the sun. I looked at it, looked at my parent's empty plates, and devised a lovely scheme to eat this meal without burning my Tonya. It's a complex scheme therefore I will not be able to post it in this blog.

And that, is the end of that story.

It's a journey

The other day after I had wrote about perfect love, I began reflecting on my life and I came to the conclusion that I am unqualified to write about something such as perfect love, for in myself, I don't know how to love completely or perfectly.

I desire to love unconditionally, I desire to love with a perfect love. But I am not there yet.

I know it's a journey, and it begins with allowing God to be sovereign in my life. It begins with me recognizing that He knows all, and He is in control. It begins with me realizing that the pain I'm in now, is not forever, and He is not far, but He is near. It begins with me allowing Him to love me, and allowing Him to heal the scars all over my heart. It begins with me taking a step off the cliff, and trusting Him, knowing full well, He is sovereign. It starts with me being a child, and trusting that in this time, it may be painful, but the end result is good.

Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose."

And God showed me that though I'm not there yet, I'm not unqualified. Each of us has been called and chosen for such a time as this, and if we think we are unqualified for speaking out, for being apart of something then we missing that calling. Because it is a journey. It starts with one baby step towards Him.

An example of this would be tonight. For the past 8 months, I have had a small little outreach program with the teens in our church, and really anyone who wants to be involved. It's interesting to see what happens when you ask teens to come pick up garbage, or shovel sidewalks in -40 C weather, or go take bag lunches to people in the city. Truthfully it's awesome, because generally a group of teens show up, and that group of teens leave happy and excited. I never though I'd be cut out for something such as leading a group of teens to do some crazy things. Well getting back to my story, tonight, I spoke with a lady who is well-connected into our town's political system. She works with the kids who have "problems" and are doing community service. She said she was shocked at the response after telling these kids what they can do instead of fooling around. The hardest kid of them all said, "Why don't you show us how to do this?" So we have decided to come together. I will be the second adult that she needs at her meetings, and build relationships wih these kids, and then in return we can go out and show the town the love of God. Both of these "ministries" have started out small, a tiny step that an unqualified person took. And when I hear where the town is wanting this to go, it's no small thing. It's something beyond my imagination. Though I probably won't see it to fruitiation. The obedience to take the first step towards it is.

Forget that you are unqualified and walk in what He has called you to walk in! He has made you qualified!

A Baby Teaches a Lesson

The other night, I was babysitting my friends 3 kids. It was around 8:30 so all of them were in bed. My friend told me that the youngest, a 9 month old baby girl, would fall asleep after crying for a few minutes, but not to worry about her. Well after she had cried for what seemed like forever, I was like "forget it, I'm going to rescue her!" So I went upstairs and held her for a bit, she settled down, and we went through the process again, she would seem like she had fallen asleep then suddenly she was up again. And I was beginning to wonder if she'd ever sleep.

After awhile of walking around with her, singing a song to her, and praying with her, I didn't think she'd sleep, ever. At one point, she started whimpering like she wanted something, so I went to her room and began pulling all her toys out of the crib and giving them to her, hoping she'd take one of them. She only pushed them away and cried more. Until I gave her the blanket, she took it and rested her head on it, and not another peep was made from her.

During this whole episode, I heard God speak to me. He said, "Just like Lily was crying, and you didn't go to her immediately because you knew in the long run she needed sleep, I know that sometimes you need to cry. You need to get desperate for something. And at the right time I will come in and swoop you out of your crib. I will hold you close to My chest. I won't let you go. Just like you knew that Lily was teething and might be in pain, I know that you go through things that are painful. But in the end, My daughter, they are for the good. If Lily's parents stopped the pain by making the doctors take out the teeth, Lily would grow up with no teeth. And though it's a painful time, she comes through with teeth. If I chose to stop the pain, and not let it happen, you wouldn't grow, you would stay sheltered. Though I would rather you never be in pain, and I would not cause you pain, the pain the world brings you, I will turn it into good. For I have big plans for you, a huge future. I am holding you tightly, just like you did Lily. I sing over you, while you are crying, I weep over you when you are hurting, I dance over you when you are crying out, because My daughter, I love you."

My thoughts on perfect love

*takes a deep breathe*
I'm actually not sure where to start so I'm just gonna dive in and hopefully you'll catch up with me somewhere along the way.

Love to me is so much bigger than just those three words. I could tell you I love you over and over again, but do I mean it? Do my actions line up with my words? When I say I love you to anyone, there is usually a mental check that goes on inside my head. I think to myself, do I really love this person? Do I show them that I love them or am I just saying it?

I think oftentimes love has been watered down to mean something more like "like". I say I love chicken. But really honestly?? I don't have that big of a feeling for chicken, I truly enjoy chicken, it's great, but I don't love chicken. *chuckles* If I pulled out 1 Corinthians 13 and matched up my feelings about chicken with what it says, I'm pretty sure it wouldn't line up. I'm patient with chicken only to get it cooked. I'm not very kind to it, I like to rip it into pieces. I'm not gentle with it, I definitely like tearing it apart. I could continue, but I think you get the idea. So I think we can rest in the fact that I really like chicken, but I don't love it.

On the other hand I can truly say I love my brother. If you lined up 1 Corinthians 13 with my love for him, you can see that I try to be all that 1 Corinthians 13 says. I try to be patient with him, I try to be kind towards him, so on, so forth.

You know the thing I love about God is that He is the essence of love. He is love. So everything in 1 Corinthians 13, defines a characteristic of who He is. And He doesn't just try to be patient with me, He IS patient with me. He is love, plain and simple. He is love, He is perfect. He is perfect love.

1 John 4:18, as I quoted yesterday says that love drives out fear. If God is perfect love, and God is living in us, (which He is according to Ephesians 3:17), then we shouldn't fear. I mean despite the fact that the Bible says we shouldn't fear, ultimately it should be just that. No fear, because we have perfect love living in us.

Oh and man, if we are filled with perfect love, should we not be flowing in that perfect love? Should we not love others with this perfect love? It's like that other verse that says, what is in your heart will come out. So if we are spending time daily with God, learning to love as He loves, learning His character, then we will daily learn to walk in that perfect love.

I want to learn to walk in His perfect love, and showing 1 Corinthians 13 love, and to not fear and not worry. To walk according to the Spirit, not according to my flesh. But it's definitely a journey, and not an overnight thing, a journey I'm going to go on.

Perfect Love

So the last few weeks have been ones of crazy stress, worry, and all kinds of emotions going rampart within me. All this week I was looking forward to the day when I completed my application, ordered my transcript, got my references all lined up, and this part was over, all the while wishing I had known all this was going to happen and finishing it months ago. I thought that by completing all this the stress would be gone until I got news back as to whether I was accepted, then would begin figuring out all the details of doing distant education courses in the fall, to the move in January, and figuring out all the grimy details of financing.

Last night was the night that I finished all this. I think I told Turtle three times how excited I was to be done, then I'd find something else that needed to be done, but eventually I was settled into my bed, happily watching Alias.
Bedtime rolled around, I shut my window, brushed my teeth, climbed into bed, sighed my sigh of relief and closed my eyes ready for that peaceful sleep that I had been waiting for for a few weeks.

*chuckles* Yea that definitely didn't happen.

The instant my head hit the pillow, my mind began going crazy, thinking "What if I'm not good enough for this college? What if they don't accept me, what will I do next? What if I'm not supposed to be even going into that field of work? Do I even know what I want? Why am I doing this? It's going to cost so much money that I don't have. What am I thinking?" I felt like I was literally going crazy. The thoughts were swirling in my head and I was trying desperately to block them out. I mean I was even lying on my stomach, the posture of real sleep. I don't do any heavy duty thinking when I'm lying on my stomach, that's when I sleep for crying out loud! Anyways, suddenly I heard a still, soft, gentle voice say, "Perfect love casts out all fear."

And so began my thoughts of how I was obviously not operating in His perfect love by allowing these thoughts in. So I said "NO MORE!" to the thoughts, and drifted off into a great sleep! =)

But it doesn't end there. This morning I woke up before my alarm went off. So I laid in bed for awhile. Then decided to go online. While online, I decided to randomly check my email and see what the verse of the day was today. I log in, empty some of my inbox. Then I clicked on the email I wanted, it opened up and the first words I read were: "1 John 4:18, There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love."
*laughs*

God is sovereign. That's basically what I have to say. He knew that I would need to read that verse TODAY, He knew that I would open my email because I woke up earlier.
I have more to add to perfect love but I must get some work accomplished. You shall hear more later. =)

"Do you want to go on an adventure?"

I think in everday life sometimes we get so caught up in it that we forget what life is all about.

As I've been dealing with figuring out what to do with my school situation, I was reminded today of what life is about. Just under a year ago, I came home from Los Angeles. And I remember thinking that I was shutting the door to that book of my life, and beginning to write a new novel in the series of my personal life. I was excited about the prospect of this new novel. But as I look back over the past 11 months, I realize there could have been so much more good excitement in that novel, but I chose to let life weigh me down, I chose to live in defeat and not really have a purpose that drove me. Not that the novel wasn't what it should be, but I can see where I allowed the pages to get dull by hiding away, and keeping to myself constantly.

This morning on my way to work as I was thinking about making this move to the college 15 hrs away, I heard God speak, "Do you want to go on an adventure with Me?" And I thought to myself, "HECK YES I DO!!" I mean come on, this is GOD we are talking about. THE Almighty God, the One who intricately formed us, and He wants ME to go on an adventure with Him?!?!?! Wow! Woot! Let's go! *giggles*
And now I think back over this day, I think God was speaking about more than just college. College will be a grand adventure, but I think He was also talking about my day to day, everyday life.

Will I allow it to be an adventure? Will I live it with excitement and purpose each day? With the mindset that it IS an adventure no matter how "mundane" it seem so to me? Will I let the pages of this novel be one of excitement and adventure? And not just a few of the pages, but all of the pages individually?

A screw-up?

Would He want a screw-up?
One that has nothing to offer.
Would He want a weakened vessel
With no strength to spare?
In my heart of hearts, I feared
He would reject me
For in my own eyes,
I saw the ultimate screw-up
But He spoke to me
"You are no screw-up.
You are not too weak.
I have made you perfectly.
Trust Me."

I think that being a screw-up is an easy way out sometimes. I know personally, when I messed up, falling back on being the ultimate screw-up, was the one thing I could hold onto. I felt I had no choice, because me being an ultimate screw-up, clearly meant I couldn't succeed, it also meant I didn't have to try to succeed.
But I'm challenging that mindset in me.

"Your hands have made me and fashioned me, an intricate unity." Job 10:8a.

"The Spirit of God made me, and the breathe of the Almighty gives me life." Job 33:4

Is that mindset, the mindset of being a screw-up, saying to my Maker that He did not spend adequate time on me, that He, the Sovereign One, messed up His design? He fashioned me, He breathed His breathe into me, how could He mess up? He is soveriegn, He knows all, He could not mess up!

"Surely you have things turned around! Shall the potter be esteemed as the clay; for shall the thing made say of him who made it. "He did not make me"? Or shall the thing formed say of him who formed it, "He has no understanding"?" Isaiah 29:16

I am not a screw up! He formed me together. He knows what He's doing, I can trust Him in this!

Knowing God

Job 36:26, "Behold God is great, and we do not know Him; nor can the number of His years be discovered."
When I read this verse, I went into this almost state of shock saying, "God, how is it possible? I search and seek You and try to find You, and now I know that I can't know You. That's not even fair. I just want to know You God!"
And God spoke to me and said, "I have so much more to teach you. Once you think you know Me, I will show you another piece of Me, because I am too vast to show you all of Me at once." I was reminded of Exodus 33:18-20. In this passage of scripture, Moses is asking for God to show him God's glory. And God responds with, "You cannot see My face; for no man shall see Me, and live."
There is so much more to learn about God. We cannot know everything about God or we would surely die, because there is too much. He is too great, He is so far beyond our wildest imaginations! To even try to get a glimpse of that is crazy. But as we seek Him day in and day out, we can continue to get to know Him, and begin to understand new aspects of Him.
I know at times I've thought I've known a lot about God and there wasn't much left to be known, but I was rudely shaken awake with that verse in Job. God said, "There is MORE! Don't get satisfied with what you know, dig deeper! Go deeper!"And this is the place I'm at today, to go deeper with God.

Unity

Tonight as I worshipped with 5 other towns represented, with babies to elderly people alike, the very essence of God was there. I looked at the screen to make sure I knew the words to one song, and as I took a tiny peak at the screen, I could see around me people just worshipping God fully. It was such a beautiful sight.
I think so often we lose sight of who God is. We lose sight of the prize of the high calling. The prize is God. And seeking God is a beautiful thing. Seeking God is a joyous act.Worship. Over and over as I stood praying before the service, I kept hearing God say, "As you pour out your worship at My feet, I will pour into you." As we just pour out our perfume bottles, break them at His feet, He will pour into us. He will love on us.
Not that He isn't already loving on us, but when we come to Him empty, He can fill us. If we have come to Him with full perfume bottles what are we expecting Him to fill? We need to come to Him empty of all the things that might hold us back from experiencing Him. He needs to be constantly on the throne of our hearts.
And all this is somehow tied into unity. When we altogether as one body, put aside ourselves, put aside our selfish ambitions and seek God, and seek the prize of the high calling, when we pour out our perfume bottles before Him and ask Him to fill us, He will, and He will move mightily. God is moved by unity.
John 17:20-26 Jesus is praying for complete unity to let the world know that God sent Jesus and that God has loved us just as God loves Jesus.Unity is so much more than just us each, individually being in tune with God, it's also corporately walking in that relationship with God.