Cinnamon Fettucine Alfredo

Tonight was the first night I had ever celebrated my birthday with capris and a t-shirt on. I didn't have a sweater, nothing. It was pleasant, that is for certain. I wish my birthday was in June every year! *smiles* My birthday was really 4 months ago, and no I did NOT turn another year older because I celebrated "again". My parents had decided they'd take me out for a birthday dinner, and with tax season coming and going and...well my parents are climbing the hill quite steadily so their minds aren't exactly what they used to be, we finally remembered/had time to go tonight.

We went to some place that they enjoyed, and had more of a variety, for my pickiness. The drive to the restaurant proved to be boring so I had already decided that I'd get Fettucine Alfredo if they had it. And sure enough they did. Oh and I could even ADD cheese to it. *does a happy dance*

Order comes up and much to my enjoyment there is my delightful meal placed before me. I can't wait to dig in, but I also don't like burning my tongue, Tonya, so I just waited a few moments. Soon enough I dug in, and much to my dismay, I felt as though I was eating cinnamon and a little bit of pasta. NOT my idea of good. *shudders* Maybe others like it, but not I. Legally they should warn their patrons that the Fettucine Alfredo, is NOT Fettucine Alfredo, but rather it is Cinnamon Fettucine Alfredo.

I made a really lovely face, I'm quite positive of that. My dad noted it, but didn't comment. I tried another bite, no let me be honest. I'm a sniffer. If I have not eaten the food before, I sniff it, if it tastes gross, I sniff it, if it tastes good, I sniff it. The taste is only half of it, the smell is the other half. If you haven't been doing so, you should really take up on this great habit. You may be laughed at, mocked, and made fun of, but they just don't know what they are missing.
*jumps back to topic* I sniffed the pasta and yes it smelled like cinnamon.

My parents tasted it as well to try and help me figure out if my taste buds and smell buds were completely gone, or if it was the pasta. I know where I got my faces from. =D

In the end, our waitress was so very kind and asked me if I'd like something else, so I ordered something else. It came to me sizzling, steaming, and hotter than the sun. I looked at it, looked at my parent's empty plates, and devised a lovely scheme to eat this meal without burning my Tonya. It's a complex scheme therefore I will not be able to post it in this blog.

And that, is the end of that story.

It's a journey

The other day after I had wrote about perfect love, I began reflecting on my life and I came to the conclusion that I am unqualified to write about something such as perfect love, for in myself, I don't know how to love completely or perfectly.

I desire to love unconditionally, I desire to love with a perfect love. But I am not there yet.

I know it's a journey, and it begins with allowing God to be sovereign in my life. It begins with me recognizing that He knows all, and He is in control. It begins with me realizing that the pain I'm in now, is not forever, and He is not far, but He is near. It begins with me allowing Him to love me, and allowing Him to heal the scars all over my heart. It begins with me taking a step off the cliff, and trusting Him, knowing full well, He is sovereign. It starts with me being a child, and trusting that in this time, it may be painful, but the end result is good.

Romans 8:28, "And we know that in all things God works together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose."

And God showed me that though I'm not there yet, I'm not unqualified. Each of us has been called and chosen for such a time as this, and if we think we are unqualified for speaking out, for being apart of something then we missing that calling. Because it is a journey. It starts with one baby step towards Him.

An example of this would be tonight. For the past 8 months, I have had a small little outreach program with the teens in our church, and really anyone who wants to be involved. It's interesting to see what happens when you ask teens to come pick up garbage, or shovel sidewalks in -40 C weather, or go take bag lunches to people in the city. Truthfully it's awesome, because generally a group of teens show up, and that group of teens leave happy and excited. I never though I'd be cut out for something such as leading a group of teens to do some crazy things. Well getting back to my story, tonight, I spoke with a lady who is well-connected into our town's political system. She works with the kids who have "problems" and are doing community service. She said she was shocked at the response after telling these kids what they can do instead of fooling around. The hardest kid of them all said, "Why don't you show us how to do this?" So we have decided to come together. I will be the second adult that she needs at her meetings, and build relationships wih these kids, and then in return we can go out and show the town the love of God. Both of these "ministries" have started out small, a tiny step that an unqualified person took. And when I hear where the town is wanting this to go, it's no small thing. It's something beyond my imagination. Though I probably won't see it to fruitiation. The obedience to take the first step towards it is.

Forget that you are unqualified and walk in what He has called you to walk in! He has made you qualified!

A Baby Teaches a Lesson

The other night, I was babysitting my friends 3 kids. It was around 8:30 so all of them were in bed. My friend told me that the youngest, a 9 month old baby girl, would fall asleep after crying for a few minutes, but not to worry about her. Well after she had cried for what seemed like forever, I was like "forget it, I'm going to rescue her!" So I went upstairs and held her for a bit, she settled down, and we went through the process again, she would seem like she had fallen asleep then suddenly she was up again. And I was beginning to wonder if she'd ever sleep.

After awhile of walking around with her, singing a song to her, and praying with her, I didn't think she'd sleep, ever. At one point, she started whimpering like she wanted something, so I went to her room and began pulling all her toys out of the crib and giving them to her, hoping she'd take one of them. She only pushed them away and cried more. Until I gave her the blanket, she took it and rested her head on it, and not another peep was made from her.

During this whole episode, I heard God speak to me. He said, "Just like Lily was crying, and you didn't go to her immediately because you knew in the long run she needed sleep, I know that sometimes you need to cry. You need to get desperate for something. And at the right time I will come in and swoop you out of your crib. I will hold you close to My chest. I won't let you go. Just like you knew that Lily was teething and might be in pain, I know that you go through things that are painful. But in the end, My daughter, they are for the good. If Lily's parents stopped the pain by making the doctors take out the teeth, Lily would grow up with no teeth. And though it's a painful time, she comes through with teeth. If I chose to stop the pain, and not let it happen, you wouldn't grow, you would stay sheltered. Though I would rather you never be in pain, and I would not cause you pain, the pain the world brings you, I will turn it into good. For I have big plans for you, a huge future. I am holding you tightly, just like you did Lily. I sing over you, while you are crying, I weep over you when you are hurting, I dance over you when you are crying out, because My daughter, I love you."

My thoughts on perfect love

*takes a deep breathe*
I'm actually not sure where to start so I'm just gonna dive in and hopefully you'll catch up with me somewhere along the way.

Love to me is so much bigger than just those three words. I could tell you I love you over and over again, but do I mean it? Do my actions line up with my words? When I say I love you to anyone, there is usually a mental check that goes on inside my head. I think to myself, do I really love this person? Do I show them that I love them or am I just saying it?

I think oftentimes love has been watered down to mean something more like "like". I say I love chicken. But really honestly?? I don't have that big of a feeling for chicken, I truly enjoy chicken, it's great, but I don't love chicken. *chuckles* If I pulled out 1 Corinthians 13 and matched up my feelings about chicken with what it says, I'm pretty sure it wouldn't line up. I'm patient with chicken only to get it cooked. I'm not very kind to it, I like to rip it into pieces. I'm not gentle with it, I definitely like tearing it apart. I could continue, but I think you get the idea. So I think we can rest in the fact that I really like chicken, but I don't love it.

On the other hand I can truly say I love my brother. If you lined up 1 Corinthians 13 with my love for him, you can see that I try to be all that 1 Corinthians 13 says. I try to be patient with him, I try to be kind towards him, so on, so forth.

You know the thing I love about God is that He is the essence of love. He is love. So everything in 1 Corinthians 13, defines a characteristic of who He is. And He doesn't just try to be patient with me, He IS patient with me. He is love, plain and simple. He is love, He is perfect. He is perfect love.

1 John 4:18, as I quoted yesterday says that love drives out fear. If God is perfect love, and God is living in us, (which He is according to Ephesians 3:17), then we shouldn't fear. I mean despite the fact that the Bible says we shouldn't fear, ultimately it should be just that. No fear, because we have perfect love living in us.

Oh and man, if we are filled with perfect love, should we not be flowing in that perfect love? Should we not love others with this perfect love? It's like that other verse that says, what is in your heart will come out. So if we are spending time daily with God, learning to love as He loves, learning His character, then we will daily learn to walk in that perfect love.

I want to learn to walk in His perfect love, and showing 1 Corinthians 13 love, and to not fear and not worry. To walk according to the Spirit, not according to my flesh. But it's definitely a journey, and not an overnight thing, a journey I'm going to go on.

Perfect Love

So the last few weeks have been ones of crazy stress, worry, and all kinds of emotions going rampart within me. All this week I was looking forward to the day when I completed my application, ordered my transcript, got my references all lined up, and this part was over, all the while wishing I had known all this was going to happen and finishing it months ago. I thought that by completing all this the stress would be gone until I got news back as to whether I was accepted, then would begin figuring out all the details of doing distant education courses in the fall, to the move in January, and figuring out all the grimy details of financing.

Last night was the night that I finished all this. I think I told Turtle three times how excited I was to be done, then I'd find something else that needed to be done, but eventually I was settled into my bed, happily watching Alias.
Bedtime rolled around, I shut my window, brushed my teeth, climbed into bed, sighed my sigh of relief and closed my eyes ready for that peaceful sleep that I had been waiting for for a few weeks.

*chuckles* Yea that definitely didn't happen.

The instant my head hit the pillow, my mind began going crazy, thinking "What if I'm not good enough for this college? What if they don't accept me, what will I do next? What if I'm not supposed to be even going into that field of work? Do I even know what I want? Why am I doing this? It's going to cost so much money that I don't have. What am I thinking?" I felt like I was literally going crazy. The thoughts were swirling in my head and I was trying desperately to block them out. I mean I was even lying on my stomach, the posture of real sleep. I don't do any heavy duty thinking when I'm lying on my stomach, that's when I sleep for crying out loud! Anyways, suddenly I heard a still, soft, gentle voice say, "Perfect love casts out all fear."

And so began my thoughts of how I was obviously not operating in His perfect love by allowing these thoughts in. So I said "NO MORE!" to the thoughts, and drifted off into a great sleep! =)

But it doesn't end there. This morning I woke up before my alarm went off. So I laid in bed for awhile. Then decided to go online. While online, I decided to randomly check my email and see what the verse of the day was today. I log in, empty some of my inbox. Then I clicked on the email I wanted, it opened up and the first words I read were: "1 John 4:18, There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love."
*laughs*

God is sovereign. That's basically what I have to say. He knew that I would need to read that verse TODAY, He knew that I would open my email because I woke up earlier.
I have more to add to perfect love but I must get some work accomplished. You shall hear more later. =)

"Do you want to go on an adventure?"

I think in everday life sometimes we get so caught up in it that we forget what life is all about.

As I've been dealing with figuring out what to do with my school situation, I was reminded today of what life is about. Just under a year ago, I came home from Los Angeles. And I remember thinking that I was shutting the door to that book of my life, and beginning to write a new novel in the series of my personal life. I was excited about the prospect of this new novel. But as I look back over the past 11 months, I realize there could have been so much more good excitement in that novel, but I chose to let life weigh me down, I chose to live in defeat and not really have a purpose that drove me. Not that the novel wasn't what it should be, but I can see where I allowed the pages to get dull by hiding away, and keeping to myself constantly.

This morning on my way to work as I was thinking about making this move to the college 15 hrs away, I heard God speak, "Do you want to go on an adventure with Me?" And I thought to myself, "HECK YES I DO!!" I mean come on, this is GOD we are talking about. THE Almighty God, the One who intricately formed us, and He wants ME to go on an adventure with Him?!?!?! Wow! Woot! Let's go! *giggles*
And now I think back over this day, I think God was speaking about more than just college. College will be a grand adventure, but I think He was also talking about my day to day, everyday life.

Will I allow it to be an adventure? Will I live it with excitement and purpose each day? With the mindset that it IS an adventure no matter how "mundane" it seem so to me? Will I let the pages of this novel be one of excitement and adventure? And not just a few of the pages, but all of the pages individually?

A screw-up?

Would He want a screw-up?
One that has nothing to offer.
Would He want a weakened vessel
With no strength to spare?
In my heart of hearts, I feared
He would reject me
For in my own eyes,
I saw the ultimate screw-up
But He spoke to me
"You are no screw-up.
You are not too weak.
I have made you perfectly.
Trust Me."

I think that being a screw-up is an easy way out sometimes. I know personally, when I messed up, falling back on being the ultimate screw-up, was the one thing I could hold onto. I felt I had no choice, because me being an ultimate screw-up, clearly meant I couldn't succeed, it also meant I didn't have to try to succeed.
But I'm challenging that mindset in me.

"Your hands have made me and fashioned me, an intricate unity." Job 10:8a.

"The Spirit of God made me, and the breathe of the Almighty gives me life." Job 33:4

Is that mindset, the mindset of being a screw-up, saying to my Maker that He did not spend adequate time on me, that He, the Sovereign One, messed up His design? He fashioned me, He breathed His breathe into me, how could He mess up? He is soveriegn, He knows all, He could not mess up!

"Surely you have things turned around! Shall the potter be esteemed as the clay; for shall the thing made say of him who made it. "He did not make me"? Or shall the thing formed say of him who formed it, "He has no understanding"?" Isaiah 29:16

I am not a screw up! He formed me together. He knows what He's doing, I can trust Him in this!

Knowing God

Job 36:26, "Behold God is great, and we do not know Him; nor can the number of His years be discovered."
When I read this verse, I went into this almost state of shock saying, "God, how is it possible? I search and seek You and try to find You, and now I know that I can't know You. That's not even fair. I just want to know You God!"
And God spoke to me and said, "I have so much more to teach you. Once you think you know Me, I will show you another piece of Me, because I am too vast to show you all of Me at once." I was reminded of Exodus 33:18-20. In this passage of scripture, Moses is asking for God to show him God's glory. And God responds with, "You cannot see My face; for no man shall see Me, and live."
There is so much more to learn about God. We cannot know everything about God or we would surely die, because there is too much. He is too great, He is so far beyond our wildest imaginations! To even try to get a glimpse of that is crazy. But as we seek Him day in and day out, we can continue to get to know Him, and begin to understand new aspects of Him.
I know at times I've thought I've known a lot about God and there wasn't much left to be known, but I was rudely shaken awake with that verse in Job. God said, "There is MORE! Don't get satisfied with what you know, dig deeper! Go deeper!"And this is the place I'm at today, to go deeper with God.

Unity

Tonight as I worshipped with 5 other towns represented, with babies to elderly people alike, the very essence of God was there. I looked at the screen to make sure I knew the words to one song, and as I took a tiny peak at the screen, I could see around me people just worshipping God fully. It was such a beautiful sight.
I think so often we lose sight of who God is. We lose sight of the prize of the high calling. The prize is God. And seeking God is a beautiful thing. Seeking God is a joyous act.Worship. Over and over as I stood praying before the service, I kept hearing God say, "As you pour out your worship at My feet, I will pour into you." As we just pour out our perfume bottles, break them at His feet, He will pour into us. He will love on us.
Not that He isn't already loving on us, but when we come to Him empty, He can fill us. If we have come to Him with full perfume bottles what are we expecting Him to fill? We need to come to Him empty of all the things that might hold us back from experiencing Him. He needs to be constantly on the throne of our hearts.
And all this is somehow tied into unity. When we altogether as one body, put aside ourselves, put aside our selfish ambitions and seek God, and seek the prize of the high calling, when we pour out our perfume bottles before Him and ask Him to fill us, He will, and He will move mightily. God is moved by unity.
John 17:20-26 Jesus is praying for complete unity to let the world know that God sent Jesus and that God has loved us just as God loves Jesus.Unity is so much more than just us each, individually being in tune with God, it's also corporately walking in that relationship with God.