Healing...

You know, I never thought there would be a day when I could say that there are certain areas in my life being healed. I always had come to the conclusion that it just wouldn't happen for me, mostly because I saw it in everyone else but never saw it happening in me.

Well this week remarkable things have begun to happen. Saturday, one of the guys I go to school with mentioned a gifting of the Holy Spirit, that had hurt me years ago. Not that the gifting itself hurt me, but I saw this gifting manufactured and toyed with and played around with, that I began to reject it being within my own life. I just wanted to be me without that gifting. And so I lived fine without it, now if someone else had that gifting and walked in it, there was always this little jolt inside of me going, 'I kinda wanna walk in that again.' But for the most part, I stayed far away from it because I didn't want to be hurt again. I associated this marvelous gifting of the Holy Spirit with pain. Well Saturday when my friend mentioned this gifting, my Spirit literally leaped within me. Yesterday I began talking to my mom and just laid it all out, everything from this rejection of this gifting to this whole other issue. I just laid it out on the floor, even though, mind you, I've also been hurting inside over some things my parents have done.

But I can feel the healing. I mean I told my mom yesterday, "I rejected a gift because I associated it with that church, where all this stuff went down, and where we really came out hurt, whether we realized it or not." My little sisters, 14 and 16 years old, just realized they too had rejected this gifting, and they were hardly impacted by the whole church deal. Goes to show how the enemy really can work and make you think that it's okay to walk away from something, from something God-given. I can feel the healing in that area, the desire to walk in that gifting so much stronger than ever before. I can feel the healing in my relationship with my parents, in the fact that I came to realize some deception that had been playing out, and I came absolutely clean with everything, to feel her forgiveness and love just sweep over me. Though it still is a struggle, I believe there is a beginning in my healing.

My point isn't big, I basically just wanna share what God is doing. I never expected it to happen, I never expected to want this gifting, to want to walk in it for what it is, not because it was manufactured or made up. I never expected to begin to work towards forgiveness with my parents and actually begin praying God's will into the situation, instead of mine. My point is God is good. He works in ways we do not see. He begins healing when we are oblivious to it, when we feel like it's just more pain. He is I am! He is the Almighty God. My God is well able to do above, beyond, all that we can ever imagine. And He is able to heal my broken heart! I know this to be true now. And I'm so glad He showed that to me!

Writing on the Wall

Yesterday I was reminded of BarlowGirl's song "I Believe in Love." In one of the youtube videos I've seen, Alyssa talks about this book they read. This group of people went into a concentration camp after a war, and in one of the cells, it said, "I believe in the sun even when it's not shining. I believe in love even when I don't feel it. And I believe in God even when He is silent."

I've been going through some stuff lately. I've been trying to hold on so tight, I've been trying to pick my feet back up and find purpose in all this. And after I watched that video again, God gave me this idea, "Why not write on the wall?" Now obviously I'm not going to write on my physical wall, but I have a new wall, my "W.O.W." wall.

Every time I hear "writing on the wall" I've been reminded of this guy who wrote on his cell wall. Who knows what he had left, really? What was his purpose? Was he going to make it through the week? The day even? Who really knows? But he had wrote that on his wall, as a reminder. And so my new wall, is going to become a place of encouragement, a place where God has spoken to me, so that in these moments of despair, in these moments of high stress, in those moments of craziness, I can look on that wall and remember who I am. I can remember where my hope is. I can remember WHO I serve.

Renewing Your Mind

You know I found it interesting the other day when I read Romans 12:2 for the millionth time.
Romans 12:2, “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – His good, pleasing and perfect will.”
I've read this verse so many times and honestly the only thing that registered to me was the "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world." But when you look into the rest of the verse, it says to be transformed by the renewing of your mind. THEN you will be able to test and approve what God's will is.

This verse has taken root in my heart lately as I've begun to take captive those negative thoughts that I have allowed to become higher than Christ, I have started to realize that really what is happening is a renewing of my mind. I truly believe that this renewing of my mind is really taking my selfish mind, MY personal mind, and letting it become like Christ's mind. In place of my personal, selfish mind, I allow Christ's mind to be my mind.

You know the bracelets WWJD? What would Jesus do? I wanna change them to say WWJT. What would Jesus think? I mean really our thoughts provoke our behaviour. There's a verse somewhere that talks about out of the overflow of our heart the mouth speaks. What is in your mind? What are you thinking about? What are you dwelling on? Because what you are dwelling on will most likely be what your behaviour is showing. If you are showing negative behaviour maybe it's time to look at your thinking to see what is going on. More importantly what would Jesus be thinking in a situation when things got a little bit tough for Him? How would He react? Would He find positive in it or would He complain about it and be negative towards it?

The next part of that verse says, "then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is." Wow! When we have a renewed mind, then we will be able to test and approve what God's will is. When we have a renewed mind, a Christ like mind, we will know the mind of Christ, and therefore when situations arise where we have to make a decision we can make a good decision because we have the mind of Christ and we will KNOW what His will is.

Approaching God

Last week at church I witnessed one of the cutest things. This little boy wanted to be near his mom but her hands were both being held by someone on either side of her, and she was crossing her legs so he couldn't sit on her knee. But he didn't let that stop him, he grabbed her one leg, and jumped up on her lap. As I thought about it, God reminded me of this verse.

"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16

I think that what that little boy did was so powerful. Because he was confidant that his mom loved him, and he was confidant that she wouldn't push him off her lap, he wanted to be near her so he made it happen. I believe that God wants us to make it happen, to push aside those things that make us think God can't handle it or that maybe God is too busy. God is just waiting to hear from us, He wants us to approach the throne of grace with confidence.

I find it interesting that this verse says "so that we may receive mercy and find grace in our time of need." Let me ask a question, how often do you run to God when troubles face you??

In the face of troubles my instinct was to run hard and fast in the opposite direction. And after awhile of running, I'd stuff what had happened deep down in my heart, and rather than dealing with things I began to have a heart stuffed of pain and situations that had happened. The truth is no matter how much running and stuffing I did, I couldn't find this mercy and grace in my time of need. When I was in need of it, I found more turmoil, more upheaval by running from it.

I've been learning the secret to running to God in my time of need. And let me tell you, it is not something that I would want to get away from. The mercy and grace when I need it is so necessary in that time of need for me to keep going. Not only do I find mercy and grace at His throne of grace, I find peace. My heart can be calmed knowing and trusting in my King, in my Abba Father.

I believe God is calling us to be near to Him. He is asking us to throw aside those things that weigh us down and just come be with Him. Like that little boy would not let anything keep him from his mother, God wants nothing to keep us from Him. He wants to be near to us, He created us because He yearned for relationship with each and every one of us!

God is AWESOME!!

Today marked my last day of work. All week long I was plagued with the question, "Did I do everything I was supposed to here? Did I sow the seeds that were meant to be sown and water the plants that needed watering? Was I effective in showing God's love?" I'm amazed at God's awesomeness. He works when we don't even realize it. Let me share a story of His awesomeness. =)

Back in October, I, in desperation to get out of the house and stop being so depressed, applied for this job that seemed like it would be okay for a few months. It was supposed to be till the end of April and I thought I could handle that. My job began with my buddy being this grumpy older lady. At first I went home each day going, "God are you kidding? She is sooooo mean!" Well a few weeks into the job, I found out from my mom that this lady had recently lost her daughter. That changed everything, now that I knew that she was probably going through a rough time, I just began to open up a bit, let the not shy me come through. And somehow that makes people laugh, probably cause I can't talk OR I try to say everything all at once and it comes out in literally a big jumble. So as we began to have a relationship, she began to talk to me randomly, about things from her daughter to anything really. I just blew it over as she likes to talk a lot, complain lots, be a grump, etc. Not really thinking about it, not even praying for her, nothing.

Moving on, by the end of February, I began to really dislike my job. It became a challenge to get up every morning and go to work and try hard to enjoy it, try to do what was ahead of me. It was around this time that I was offered a permanent position there, and I accepted it, not sure what else I would be doing. Well then life got interesting by the end of March, and in that instant I wanted to go into hiding. I really didn't like my job, I had what seemed like nothing going for me in life, and thought the best thing would be to hide in a hole and suck my thumb. Haha. Needless to say, I didn't find a hole, instead I got up each day, trying to find purpose, trying to find some reason to live. Little did I know that God was using me when I was very very much unaware.

I've always heard the spiel about "You may just be a sower, and you plant the seeds. or you may be the waterer and water the seeds. OR you maybe the harvester and you might get to see the harvest. But if you don't see the harvest know that God is taking care of it, all your sowing and watering doesn't go to waste." Or something to that degree. I never expected to know how God could or would use me in my moment of weakness, in my desperation, in my brokenness.

Today I received a card, from that lady, it is one that will stay with me through the ages. I want to share part of it with you because it shows God's sovereignity and awesomeness. By the way, to my knowledge this lady is not a Christian, she knows about God but does not have faith, I guess is what you'd say.

"I believe that God, in His infinite wisdom, sent you into my life so soon after my daughter's death to heal me through that rough time and you have helped me immensely!"

Inside I'm screaming "But God, how? I was a mess for pretty much the first 3 months and then the last 4 months, how could You have used me? I didn't even pray for her! How God?" He hasn't answered yet, but I think He's showing me that I can indeed be used in ways I don't know, I can be used in brokennes. There is no way that I could have helped her heal, I see absolutely no way that's possible. But God was able to use what little I had to offer and turn it into good, cause He's awesome like that! My God stinkin' rocks this world!!!! Yay God!!!

My point for this blog isn't to show you what "I did" in my brokenness, but rather encourage you that in your brokenness, He can and will still use you! He is so able! He is so soveriegn! He works in ways we cannot see! He is soooooo awesome!!!

Peace

A couple weeks ago, my friends and I went up to “Prayer Mountain” at a camp down south, with an acoustic guitar and Bible. I didn’t know what to expect, I just knew that a lot of people loved going up there and hanging out with God. Well once you get up there you can completely understand. It’s not like the view is more breathtaking than any other view from a mountainside. It’s not that green, it isn’t all beauty. But what it I think about what was up there was just the peace of God was soooooo evident. It was like creation was screaming with peace. I could go on about the morning but I wanna sit on the subject of peace.

The last few months have been somewhat stressful with school and all these other things coming at me. Everytime I tried to worry about the area of school, God would ask me "Do you trust Me?" And instantly I was like, "Whoops. Here I go again, trusting in me alone." And everytime I made the conscious choice to stop worrying about it and give it to God, and He would instantly fill me with His peace.

After this experience on Prayer Mountain with just being flooded with absolute peace, I have been thinking a lot on peace, how to have peace in a crazy life. I wanna share some scripture with you.

Philippians 4:6-7 (NKJV), "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus."

In the Message it reads, "Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the centre of your life."

When I was up on Prayer Mountain, nothing could take that peace away. A peace that passes beyond all understanding, something we don't even understand, something we can't fathom, just settling down in our lives as we wait upon God knowing that in His time it will work out, knowing that in the end it will work out for good, and we really have nothing to worry about.

Lately the more I've been giving God my worries, the more I've felt His peace flood my life. And that peace brings this contentment. Really not worrying about anything just gives you that freedom to be peaceful and content. I haven't really felt a lot of peace in my life before. I'm so used to worrying about everything and anything, but what's there to worry about when the God of the universe has our world in His hands?!?!?!