Dream

Through the last 3 or 4 days, my life has taken a dramatic change, in direction, in focus, in understanding, in pretty much everything.

I can remember all my life thinking about my dreams, and what they were made of, and how huge they were, impossible for me to do yet totally possible for God to do. There came a point in my life where the dream that was birthed within my heart got pushed aside and a secondhand dream came into play, something that was possible for me to do. Something that was still great, but it was not my deepest dream. It was not OUR dream, and by our dream I do mean me and God's dream.

I believe God birthed within us a dream for us to follow. He gave us the tools to live out the dream, and it is up to us to live out the dream. But to my great joy, it's not going to be something I hate doing. He births within us dreams that we love. So rather than God's dream being HIS dream for my life, His dream itself becomes my dream as well, and together we can share in that dream for my life.

So lately I've been toiling over this fact that I'd begun to live with this secondhand dream, and God reminded me the other night, "It's never too late to start following our dream." He also reminded me that it didn't take me years of college, like it could have, to recognize that I had fabricated a new dream, one that was possible for me to live in, and as bad as it sounds, one where I didn't need God to complete the dream.

You know I don't know why I'm right here in this place, I don't know why I allowed my dream to die within me. But the amazing amounts of grace that God gives to us, the way He wakes us up is just so full of grace. He doesn't yell at us for trying to lean on our own understanding, He doesn't freak out on us when we mess up, and He doesn't threaten me that if I mess up again He'll be through with me. He holds me and allows me to hide in Him when I recognize that I mess up, when I realize I was trying to do it on my own.

My God is so full of grace and mercy, and most importantly love. I can't get past that, the love, mercy, and grace that He has poured into my heart even when I snap constantly at people, even when I am quick to anger, even when I fabricate my own dreams. He's not through with me, He is walking beside me, and He just wants me to see what is best for me, and I'll get it eventually. He might have to throw some ice cold water in my face for me to realize that I have been living in my own world, but He doesn't give up on me.

He is sooooooo amazing!! I can't even begin to describe it.

Healing Shower

May it come in
And sweep me off my feet
May Your love envelope me
For I am weak

I've shouted words of hate
I've said things I do not mean
Whispered my jealousy
Thought thoughts of rage

I have neglected to be washed clean
I have been scared for too long
Scared of what is beneath this dirt
Scared that You will see all the scars
The ones beneath this filth

The energy to fear is too great
So I'll let You wash me clean
I'll let You see my scars
I'll let You heal the infections

I'll allow You to wash me gently
Ridding my face of the dirt
Scrubbing my body of the filth
Bathing me in Your sweet love

I'll allow You to have my heart
Every piece
The ones I've broken
The ones that have been scattered

I can't find any pieces that fit together
I keep messing up the design
I seem to be missing something
No matter how hard I try
I can't find it

Perhaps You can find it
Or perhaps You are that missing thing
So I'll let You try
I'll let You put each piece back together

I'll let You shower me
With Your healing
I'll let You have my heart
And heal it too

Thinking....

"Think about what you are thinking about." - Joyce Meyer
I'm beginning a new book, "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer. I only read the introduction but that line struck me as interesting. Why in the world should I think about what I'm thinking about? Like doesn't that require more thinking, which in turn requires more energy? Perhaps yes. But when I thought about this phrase a little more in depth, I came to this conclusion. If in fact I am recognizing what I am thinking about, then perhaps I can be in control of my thoughts.

In 2 Corinthians 10, it talks about taking captive every thought. Now I'm fairly certain that when Paul writes this he isn't writing with this thought, "Oh, they can't really take captive their thoughts, it's not possible." No, I'm pretty sure he had a positive attitude and understood that it was in fact possible to take captive your thoughts. It's a process eh? I mean when we look at it, we could say it's impossible to constantly bring every thought into the obedience of Christ. But what we don't realize is it's not a now now thing, it is a growing process. Perhaps we can say that as I begin to seek positivity instead of negativity, that I will in fact begin to think in the way that I train myself. So as I daily, err, secondly take captive those thoughts that are trying to be higher than Christ, it will become my second nature to not allow that thought to become higher than Christ.

If my thought life is in line with Christ, won't that show out in my actions?

I feel like I've talked about this before. Haha. I guess in the end I just am realizing how important our thoughts are. We so often make it all about say the sin, and getting that sin fixed, but what does your thought life look like? What is provoking you to do that sin? *shrugs* It's an interesting thought. I mean that doesn't give us the right to sin, but if we give the thoughts to God, I have this thought that perhaps God can then help us deal with the sin. I do believe that. Just recently I began to work through some specific events that had happened a few years ago, that I had expertly stuffed down. Initially as I began to deal with it, I saw how these thoughts had been so twisted that I had believed the lies and began to walk in this area of sin. All because of this thought, the thought was an honest thought, it wasn't initially sin at all. This is why I do think that our thoughts have so much to do with our actions. And I know it's possible to be an overcomer in my thoughts, and in return my actions.

To Worship You I Live

A few weeks ago I went to church, and the worship was absolutely amazing. One of the songs was very simple. And I wanted to share it.

"To worship You I live
To worship You I live
I live to worship You"

We sang that over and over and over again. And then began singing, "la la la la" The lady that was singing that particular song stopped and started talking about how sometimes there are no words to say and we just have to sing out what the Holy Spirit puts in us. As we continued to sing those words "la la la" my heart felt quickened, as though it was no longer me worshiping alone, but it was almost like Holy Spirit began to worship through me, and began to almost teach me how to really truly worship. Not worship from my mouth, but worship from my heart. And oh my, let me tell you it was beautiful.

I've stated before that I really believe God wants us to worship in spirit and in truth. There are times when we aren't sure how to do that, and it can become as simple as singing "la la la" and allowing Holy Spirit to show you how to worship. By showing you, I guess I could say I mean Him showing you first and you copying, and as His cry deepens so does yours, and as His heart longs, so does yours, and as He rejoices in His worship, so do you. Almost like a copycat, yet learning to really worship. We could say engaging with the Holy Spirit, really truly, engaging in a deep worship with the Holy Spirit.

I had this revelation yesterday about God wanting to do it with us, not just there. But He wants to dwell within us, He wants to live our life within us and really with us, not just there, but He wants to dwell in the innermost parts. And that means even in worship, even in worshiping Him, He wants to be there. He isn't expecting us to worship a God far off in the galaxy, in a throne room that doesn't have time for us, oh no! He wants us to worship from within, from what He has given us, rather than what means we have. We don't have much to offer. I can't worship God very well, but when I allow the Holy Spirit to show me how to worship, it is then that my heart leaps, it is then that I know that I'm not just worshiping at random, but really worshiping my God. And I know it's not about me anymore, I know the life I live is about dwelling with Him. "To worship You I live, to worship You I live, I live to worship You." That is what I want my life to be, a worship lifestyle. I want to worship from the inner parts of me that I didn't know existed. I want my spirit to engage with the Holy Spirit, as the Holy Spirit teaches me and shows me how to walk in fullness of life.

Healing...

You know, I never thought there would be a day when I could say that there are certain areas in my life being healed. I always had come to the conclusion that it just wouldn't happen for me, mostly because I saw it in everyone else but never saw it happening in me.

Well this week remarkable things have begun to happen. Saturday, one of the guys I go to school with mentioned a gifting of the Holy Spirit, that had hurt me years ago. Not that the gifting itself hurt me, but I saw this gifting manufactured and toyed with and played around with, that I began to reject it being within my own life. I just wanted to be me without that gifting. And so I lived fine without it, now if someone else had that gifting and walked in it, there was always this little jolt inside of me going, 'I kinda wanna walk in that again.' But for the most part, I stayed far away from it because I didn't want to be hurt again. I associated this marvelous gifting of the Holy Spirit with pain. Well Saturday when my friend mentioned this gifting, my Spirit literally leaped within me. Yesterday I began talking to my mom and just laid it all out, everything from this rejection of this gifting to this whole other issue. I just laid it out on the floor, even though, mind you, I've also been hurting inside over some things my parents have done.

But I can feel the healing. I mean I told my mom yesterday, "I rejected a gift because I associated it with that church, where all this stuff went down, and where we really came out hurt, whether we realized it or not." My little sisters, 14 and 16 years old, just realized they too had rejected this gifting, and they were hardly impacted by the whole church deal. Goes to show how the enemy really can work and make you think that it's okay to walk away from something, from something God-given. I can feel the healing in that area, the desire to walk in that gifting so much stronger than ever before. I can feel the healing in my relationship with my parents, in the fact that I came to realize some deception that had been playing out, and I came absolutely clean with everything, to feel her forgiveness and love just sweep over me. Though it still is a struggle, I believe there is a beginning in my healing.

My point isn't big, I basically just wanna share what God is doing. I never expected it to happen, I never expected to want this gifting, to want to walk in it for what it is, not because it was manufactured or made up. I never expected to begin to work towards forgiveness with my parents and actually begin praying God's will into the situation, instead of mine. My point is God is good. He works in ways we do not see. He begins healing when we are oblivious to it, when we feel like it's just more pain. He is I am! He is the Almighty God. My God is well able to do above, beyond, all that we can ever imagine. And He is able to heal my broken heart! I know this to be true now. And I'm so glad He showed that to me!

Writing on the Wall

Yesterday I was reminded of BarlowGirl's song "I Believe in Love." In one of the youtube videos I've seen, Alyssa talks about this book they read. This group of people went into a concentration camp after a war, and in one of the cells, it said, "I believe in the sun even when it's not shining. I believe in love even when I don't feel it. And I believe in God even when He is silent."

I've been going through some stuff lately. I've been trying to hold on so tight, I've been trying to pick my feet back up and find purpose in all this. And after I watched that video again, God gave me this idea, "Why not write on the wall?" Now obviously I'm not going to write on my physical wall, but I have a new wall, my "W.O.W." wall.

Every time I hear "writing on the wall" I've been reminded of this guy who wrote on his cell wall. Who knows what he had left, really? What was his purpose? Was he going to make it through the week? The day even? Who really knows? But he had wrote that on his wall, as a reminder. And so my new wall, is going to become a place of encouragement, a place where God has spoken to me, so that in these moments of despair, in these moments of high stress, in those moments of craziness, I can look on that wall and remember who I am. I can remember where my hope is. I can remember WHO I serve.