Isaiah 1 - Forgiveness of Sins

I think it's interesting, because God, the King of Kings, the LORD of LORDS, stepped out and says "Come now, and let us reason together." To a people that is wicked, to a people that has ignored the goodness of God. They have been bringing futile sacrifices to the altar, pretending they care, pretending they actually want to give unto the LORD, but the truth is their heart is showing, their heart is coming out and showing God that they don't care, that they are just giving out of the motives of things that have to be done to be a Jew.

And God says, forget it, I hate those feasts that you pretend to honor and love me, I hate the iniquity that you bring with your sacrifice to the altar. He says "when you spread your hands, I will hide My eyes from you." Because their hands were full of blood.

And this passage terrifies me as I read it because if God says this to Judah, what would He say to me? What would He say to me, who has made a mess of this life, who sins and sins and sins, and sins...and sins? So what would He say, what would He see when He looks at my life? When He sees my sacrifices? When He hears my prayers?? It terrifies me because I don't want God to stop hearing my prayers, I don't want God to hide His hears from me.

But when you read further, God isn't done, He isn't done with Judah, even though they've brought Him sorrow, even though they've brought futile sacrifices, and hearts full of blood faking their way through sacrifices. He says "Wash yourselves, make yourselves clean: put away that evil of your doings from My eyes. Cease to do evil." But God, we can't just cease to do evil, we are humans, we mess up, we fail, how can we cease to do evil, how can we put away that evil from Your eyes?

Keep reading "Learn to do good." ha ha ha. He knows...He knows we are imperfect, so He tells us to LEARN to do good. He doesn't expect perfection. LEARN to do good by seeking justice, by rebuking the oppressor, by defending the fatherless, by pleading for the widow.

And you know what gets me the most about this passage, is God has just told Judah how much He is just done with the nation, He's sick and tired of the futile sacrifices, the heartless sacrifices...but He says "Come, now, let us reason together."

AHA!! He's not through with them, He's not through with us...He's not DONE!!! Praise Jesus!!! Your sins might be as scarlet but oh let Me wash them and make them white as snow, they might be crimson, but oh let Me make them like wool. And if you are willing and you are obedient...oh you shall eat of the good of this land!!

We have a choice! We have a choice to honor God and He will change our sins and make them white as snow!!! And you know God tells Judah if they are obedient they'll eat the good of the land, but they have a choice...and the choice is if they are rebellious...well they'll just die by the sword! But God has given a choice!! He offers us forgiveness! He offers us redemption! He offers us new life!

The God Stamp

It's become interesting to me lately how many people approve of something they are doing by stamping it with God's name.

My friend and I were talking about this a week ago in regards to a situation she is facing currently. And I find it in several situations I am faced with. Several Christians all battling against one another saying one thing is right and ones not. And I find it interesting that on both sides of the argument God has spoken. God has spoken to the one side and said to do this, and yet God has spoken to the other side and said to do something else. And only one of the sides that has heard from God lines up with what the Bible say. Some argue and say that time is an important factor, some argue and say the Bible doesn't mean it anymore, it's different now, and still others argue that the Bible wasn't saying exactly that, it meant something different.

I guess I'm writing this because I'm frustrated with that God stamp. Even more so, annoyed because the truth is, "God" can speak anything...but is it the God of the Bible? The God of the universe?? Or is it the god of your mind?? The god of your well being?? the god of what you want?? And it's so hard to distinguish when you want something so bad, you pray and ask God and God says exactly what you want.

And I guess this would lead into the selfish ambitions part of things. Paul says in Galatians 5 that the acts of the sinful nature INCLUDE selfish ambition. But I think oftentimes we forget all about that part of the verse. We almost push it aside because there are far worse sins! Like sexual immorality...idolatry...witchcraft...all wayyyyy worse than selfish ambition. But what I find interesting is that's so not true! Paul lists selfish ambition right there in that verse, next to sexual immorality, debauchery, idolatry, witchcraft and all those other "horrible sins".

Do you think it is possible that out of our selfish ambition we might in fact let God say something He isn't saying?? Do you think it's possible that we put a God stamp on things that God hasn't said because we want to believe it's true, we want to believe it's right, we want to make it okay for us, because we want it so bad??

I just wonder how long people will continue to put the God stamp on things, because I know right now it's starting to frustrate me, it's starting to annoy me...how awful, how obscure, how jaded we have become from who God really is. It saddens me soo deeply.

Homestretch

Well it's been about a year since I wrote in here last...okay maybe not that long but it feels like forever. haha.

I was just thinking tonight as my brother and I rode the homestretch. We had gone for an hr long bike ride. Which is fine, but apparently my leg muscles and body muscles aren't so excited about this bike ride...especially with my spry 13 year old brother who has been biking a lot lately. Sooooo we're getting towards the end of our bike ride and I'm all excited...and it reminded me of this race I was in. It was a 5 km run and my friend and I were running it together...yes we ended up walking a lot of it, but at the end we were gonna lose together, but just as I saw the finish line I got this kick within me and suddenly I was gone, I couldn't help it. I knew the end was near and I had no choice but to obey my body and go into full speed.

It made me think of how we live our lives. Do we live with the homestretch in mind? knowing the finish line is somewhere out there, close, or far away? Or do we live with the mindset that the finish line isn't going to come so we don't need to be giving it our all?? I personally want to live my life as if the finish line was right in front of me, giving God my all, putting everything I am into life, rather than moping around in a pity party. I want to be going full strong, knowing I'm on the homestretch. Yep I might be on the homestretch for 50 years but I don't want to miss a minute of it with my stopping to gaze at the sin that looks so good and enticing, I don't want to wander off the trail and find some poison ivy and rub it all over me. I want to run that homestretch with endurance.

Now this is all not to say to ENJOY LIFE. Sure take a minute and smell the roses, look and see the grace painted across the sky, enjoy every second of life. What I'm getting at is, I don't want to live my life running off the path and playing in poison ivy, or playing with the bears cub or something. I want to stay on that path, running for my prized possession, Jesus, and I know I can do that and still enjoy the beautifulness of life. =)

Rest

Ahh...it's been so long since I've blogged. Slacking may be a good way of putting it, but I actually read this inspirational poem about writing when you had the inspiration to versus writing when you had no inspiration and forcing it. I haven't been inspired to write until the last few days. And so of course you have to let that inspiration cycle around in your head as you mull over it and chew it and think on it and then finally you are ready to write. At least that's how it works for me. =]

So I wanna talk about rest. Rest. Hmm...I've always loved resting. Ya know, Sunday after church propping your feet up on the foot stool, and just resting. Or after a long day at work, curling up on the couch with a good book and resting...or taking a bath and relaxing. Yep. I do like to rest. I think I was born to rest. Haha.

Lately however, God has been taking me on a new phase of rest. Resting in Him. Not just resting. But resting IN Him. And there is a huge difference between the two. My definition or version of rest is all I've wrote above. But resting in God, is something deeper, it's rest in your spirit, your mind. I mean seriously can you tell me that after a day of hardwork you go home and feel relaxed just sitting there? Often times I picture resting in front of the TV...cause then you're mind is turned off and you are just zoned into the TV, unless you are that stressed. But when you rest in God, it's like this whole new element. You can rest on the couch and not have the TV on as you just chill out there, resting in God.

The past month or so, my nights have taken an interesting turn of events, either they are full of bad dreams, OR it takes me forever to sleep and then I have bad dreams. A few nights ago, I was so close to getting up and doing something but I wanted to sleep because I knew I had to get up early the next morning, so I'd lay there and try, but my thoughts were so full and going all over the place and finally I came to a point where I was just like "God, help me!" And He said to me, "Rest My child, rest in Me." And so I laid there and just stopped thinking, I pictured myself curled up on His lap, and just rested in Him. Rested in His love, rested in knowing who He is in my life.

And that my friends, is what I do believe true rest is. Resting in His love. Even when life is chaotic, even when you can't sleep, remembering that you can just lay back and relax and rest in His love, because He won't ever stop loving us!!! It's so beautiful really!! =)

Religion vs. Relationship

"It's about relationship not religion."

I've heard this statement several times and said it several times as well, but my friend brought up the fact that religion is actually something different than what we think of as religion. I think of religion as going to church, sitting in a pew, listening to a pastor talk. I think of religion as being told that I must go to church or I am a heathen. I think of religion on all these terms and more. But it's interesting when we find out what God says about religion.

James 1:27, "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world."

I find it interesting that God doesn't say that religion is going to church every Sunday and living in a rigid organized belief system. Religion is actually not what we have made it out to be. Religion, that is pure and unadulterated, faultless, is to look after orphans and widows in their distress. AND to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. There goes the theory that it's about relationship and not religion.

Now here's the thing, often times, there are people, and I've been guilty of this as well, that we will begin to do things because it's the "right" thing to do, it's the
"Christian" thing to do. And I find it interesting that the verse in James says, not just to look after widows and orphans but it actually says "keep oneself from being polluted by the world." What does it mean to keep yourself from being polluted by the world? It means to be living a life that is holy and righteous before God.

I think maybe this verse reads like that because, God knows our selfish tendencies. Sometimes as humans, we want the glory for doing something. We want to feel good about ourselves so we begin to do things for our own glory rather than for God's glory. We begin to take care of the widows and orphans out of selfish desires. I really do think that when we have a pure relationship with God, as we continue to seek His ways, that out of that our love and compassion for others will grow and we will begin to desire to do things for others not because we ourselves have something to offer but rather because God has given us something to offer others, and we want to share the pure love that God has for us. We learn we can love the way He loves because of His grace. Because He pours into us His love, we can go love the world more effectively than trying to love out of our own human love, that isn't as good as His love by any means, I don't think we can even compare it with His love.

I think that religion and relationship were meant to work hand in hand. Through our relationship with God, we can walk in true religion, the religion that God accepts.

Faith

I find myself wondering exactly what is faith as I sit here, on this last day of 2008. I know faith is the assurance of things hoped, the evidence of things unseen. But what must I put my faith in? I know I need to put my faith in Christ and trust in all He is. But do I just stop at putting my faith in Christ? No. I believe there is another step.

As a Christian, I need to place my faith in who God has called me. I have been called an overcomer (1 John 2:14), I have been called more than a conqueror (Romans 8:37), I have been called a daughter of God (John 1:12), I have been called many things by my God. But do I walk in these things? Do I walk as though I am a child of the Most High King? Do I walk as if I am an overcomer? Do I walk as if I am more than a conqueror? Is my head bowed down to the ground as I walk in defeat because I am not having faith in the words God has spoken to me?

I have been challenged to walk in faith. Not just faith in Christ, but faith in what He has called me. My circumstances may look like I am defeated. I may look like I have lost every battle. But that is not who I am. I may not look like a daughter of God. I may not look like all these things, nor may I be able to see them, but I was called More than a Conqueror, Overcomer, Friend of God, Lover of God, Daughter of God, and sooo many more names. I believe that as I have that faith to walk in the names in which He has called me, that I will have daily victory. I believe that I will begin to walk in the authority that God has given to me. I believe that instead of walking in defeat, I will walk in freedom and walk in who God has called me.

I challenge you today to begin walking in faith that who God has called you is who you are. Begin to walk in that faith and experience the freedom of living in who you are, instead of trying to live up to the world's standards. And as you walk in that faith of who God has called you, I believe you will begin to experience daily victories as God shows you who He is, and reveals to you mysteries and the secrets of His heart.

Breath of Heaven

'tis the season of Christmas! And what fun it is! Christmas music and Christmas decorations and all such. And of course remembering our Saviour's birth.

I have this Christmas song that is one of my favourites and has been for a few years now. However I could never ever remember the name of it. However I FINALLY found it. And hopefully I won't forget the name of it again. *smiles* Breath of Heaven is the name of it. And my friends, as much as it is "Mary's song" it speaks to my heart on so many levels. Let me explain.

I am waiting in a silent prayer
I am frightened by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone,
Must I walk this path alone?
Be with me now
Be with me now

How often do we go through life, frightened by the load we bear, waiting silently crying out to God?? And how often is it that God speaks a word into our heart, and we know we are to do something but that load is scary, it's strange, unfamiliar, and it seems impossible?? And what is our response to that scary load? Is it 'Be with me now, God' or is it 'forget it I can't do this'???

Do you wonder as you watch my face
If a wiser one one should have had my place
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of your plan
Help me be strong
Help me be
Help me

When I was at the airport yesterday, I listened to this song and God spoke to me about this particular verse. Years ago God spoke some things into my heart, and I remember always thinking "That's impossible, but if it's what You want from me, Lord, I'll do it." As time passed, and as I grew older, I kinda let go of those dreams. But I've come back to them and realized that I do want to follow God's plans. Yet at the same time I find myself asking God "Why me? I'm not wise. I have nothing much to offer. I'm not strong." And in that God has been showing me, that it's in His strength that we will do these things, and that I am the one He has chosen for these plans. You see so often we decide we are done with His plans that seem to be impossible to us. But if Mary had decided that she wasn't going to follow God's plans for her life, if Mary had just decided she wouldn't do it, where would we be today? God has plans for our lives and it's in HIS strength that we can do it and we never know what it will do for the future of others, we don't know who we will impact.

Breath of heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of heaven
Breath of heaven
Light up my darkness
Pour over me your holiness
For you are holy

I don't have much to say about the chorus. But I wanted to post it because I really like the lyrics.

Little epiphany

I saw the words, "just trying to make it through life" today and God sparked something inside me. How often have I felt that I am just trying to make it through life? Or heard someone else say that?

And it hit me like a tonne of bricks, dude, this life is all we got. Yea it sucks at times, sometimes a lot, we all know that, but are we just going to survive it? are we just going to barely get by? or are we going to live victorious lives? The lives Christ called us to live?? Are we going to let this life just pass us by trying to get through life's crap and focusing on ourselves or are we going to stand up, face the storm and live in victory??

I have one life to live. I'm not going to live my life with my face towards the ground, allowing the hits in life to throw me down. No, I want to walk in my victory. This life is so short, it's so quickly passes us by, and it could be easy to just try to make it through life, and take each hit and mumble and complain and live in defeat. But living like that is so much more draining then stepping into the calling of my God. My God called me victorious it's time to start living like I'm victorious!

Do I want my life to just be nothing? No, I want to DO something, I want to BE someone. And I can and will do that through Christ.

Storm

It's been awhile. I've been a bit busy with school and stuff. But alas, today's the day for a new blog. ;)

God's been working on my heart a lot these last few weeks. It's interesting how so much can go so crazy and in the midst of that time He just wants to calm me. The storm has gotten rough at times. At times I've even thought that I was being thrown into sea and perhaps I would drown. Yet God didn't let it happen. I clung to Him and when I was too weak to cling to Him, He held me tightly. The storm may bring high waves, it may look like all will be lost at sea, but that's why we trust in God and not ourselves. Really. I could so easily give up, I could just throw it all away and dive into the sea. But what is out there that is worth my time? Nothing. The only thing I have to keep me going is God.

You know the notion of 'giving up' always seems so pretty. We face a struggle in life and say 'I just want to give up, it's so hard.' But I wonder, what is so easy about giving up? Every time I give up, my heart just feels weighted down with thousands and thousands of tonnes of junk. And when I allow God to hold me, then it's like my heart is light. Sure it's hard and the struggle is still hard to defeat, but I don't have the weight in my heart to deal with as well. Giving up doesn't really do anything for me. In fact it just seems to hurt me worse. It is hard. I do agree with that. It's so hard. But why would I give up when I got the best thing going for me?? The God of the universe is rooting me on, and not only that but He's fighting for me. And when I give up, I'm not just giving up on my struggle, I'm giving up on Him. Ultimately that's what it comes down to. I'm just giving up on Him, basically saying He's not able enough to help me through. But He is sooooo able. And the best thing is He's not expecting us to be done with the struggle immediately. He understands how hard it is, He understands that it hurts, and that it's really hard to humble oneself and admit that what we have chosen isn't really the best thing for us. He just keeps pouring His love into the wound, He keeps pouring His love over us, as we continue to allow Him so that we can be the overcomers we are called to be.

I know for me that's what I've really come to discover. I have pride issues, I don't want to humble myself before God and admit that there is an issue that I need His help with. Which is funny because I know I need His help, yet there's still that pride within me. But when I humbled myself the other day, His peace just rushed in over me. I know I can face this storm, because I'm not facing it alone. He is there with me. And He'll hold me through it. He'll calm me in the midst of it. He is able. He is strong enough. And He can carry me through it. I don't have to give up! Because HE. IS. ABLE.

Hide

As a child I always enjoyed playing hide and seek. I always wanted to be the last one to be found, with the coolest hiding spot that no one had ever thought of. But the truth of the matter was, being the youngest in my part of the family, I always ended up copying my older sister's places to hide, and they always found me. Now when my younger siblings came along, we stopped playing hide and seek as much. But we would play it now and then, or at church we would play it as part of a game. And it always got my adrenaline rushing, to hide and not be found, even when they came so close to you but just missed finding you. Hide and seek rocks!!

I think that oftentimes we start hiding in our lives. We learn that if we do certain things, people won't like us, so we won't admit that we like that movie, or that we like that activity, just so we can be liked by others. And we play this game of hiding. But there is no seeking allowed. We don't wait for someone to come seek us, because the truth is we don't want to be found, or we might be judged for the way we are. People might not like us for the truth of who we are. When someone seems to get close to finding the real us, we quickly run away and hide again, in a different spot. And the truth of the matter is, if we're such experts on hiding from people, I'm thinking, we might be hiding from God as well.

But why do we hide from God? Is He not our safe place? Is He not everything we need and more?? Really where can we go that will hide us from God??
"Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; if I make my bed in hell; behold You are there. If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there Your hand shall lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me." Psalm 139:7-10
We can't hide from God. We can try so very hard but we can't. I've been learning to hide in Him.
"Keep me as the apple of Your eye; hide me under the shadow of Your wings." Psalm 17:8
"Rescue me from my enemies, O Lord, for I hide myself in You." Psalm 143:9

Why would we not hide in our God that is so far above us, and can do so much more than we ever ask or think of? Why would we not rest in Him when He gives rest to the weary? He gives you strength when you're weary. He pours love into you. He gives you joy evermore.

And as for hiding from people. My thought on that is stolen from what someone has once told me a few times. "We have to learn to not care if they won't accept us." Because truthfully, we live in fear of the past, letting our past hurts affect our future lives. We hide because we were hurt before. But if someone doesn't like something about us, that's for them to worry about. All I need to worry about is me, and hiding myself in God, and not worrying about what others think of me. I am me. And if someone can't accept that, that's okay, that's their problem. If I am hiding in God, and letting God define me, then I really have nothing to worry about with hiding from other people. It really only matters that God accepts me, and He does. He accepts me just for me!
And that's another thought for another blog. ;)

Dream

Through the last 3 or 4 days, my life has taken a dramatic change, in direction, in focus, in understanding, in pretty much everything.

I can remember all my life thinking about my dreams, and what they were made of, and how huge they were, impossible for me to do yet totally possible for God to do. There came a point in my life where the dream that was birthed within my heart got pushed aside and a secondhand dream came into play, something that was possible for me to do. Something that was still great, but it was not my deepest dream. It was not OUR dream, and by our dream I do mean me and God's dream.

I believe God birthed within us a dream for us to follow. He gave us the tools to live out the dream, and it is up to us to live out the dream. But to my great joy, it's not going to be something I hate doing. He births within us dreams that we love. So rather than God's dream being HIS dream for my life, His dream itself becomes my dream as well, and together we can share in that dream for my life.

So lately I've been toiling over this fact that I'd begun to live with this secondhand dream, and God reminded me the other night, "It's never too late to start following our dream." He also reminded me that it didn't take me years of college, like it could have, to recognize that I had fabricated a new dream, one that was possible for me to live in, and as bad as it sounds, one where I didn't need God to complete the dream.

You know I don't know why I'm right here in this place, I don't know why I allowed my dream to die within me. But the amazing amounts of grace that God gives to us, the way He wakes us up is just so full of grace. He doesn't yell at us for trying to lean on our own understanding, He doesn't freak out on us when we mess up, and He doesn't threaten me that if I mess up again He'll be through with me. He holds me and allows me to hide in Him when I recognize that I mess up, when I realize I was trying to do it on my own.

My God is so full of grace and mercy, and most importantly love. I can't get past that, the love, mercy, and grace that He has poured into my heart even when I snap constantly at people, even when I am quick to anger, even when I fabricate my own dreams. He's not through with me, He is walking beside me, and He just wants me to see what is best for me, and I'll get it eventually. He might have to throw some ice cold water in my face for me to realize that I have been living in my own world, but He doesn't give up on me.

He is sooooooo amazing!! I can't even begin to describe it.

Healing Shower

May it come in
And sweep me off my feet
May Your love envelope me
For I am weak

I've shouted words of hate
I've said things I do not mean
Whispered my jealousy
Thought thoughts of rage

I have neglected to be washed clean
I have been scared for too long
Scared of what is beneath this dirt
Scared that You will see all the scars
The ones beneath this filth

The energy to fear is too great
So I'll let You wash me clean
I'll let You see my scars
I'll let You heal the infections

I'll allow You to wash me gently
Ridding my face of the dirt
Scrubbing my body of the filth
Bathing me in Your sweet love

I'll allow You to have my heart
Every piece
The ones I've broken
The ones that have been scattered

I can't find any pieces that fit together
I keep messing up the design
I seem to be missing something
No matter how hard I try
I can't find it

Perhaps You can find it
Or perhaps You are that missing thing
So I'll let You try
I'll let You put each piece back together

I'll let You shower me
With Your healing
I'll let You have my heart
And heal it too

Thinking....

"Think about what you are thinking about." - Joyce Meyer
I'm beginning a new book, "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer. I only read the introduction but that line struck me as interesting. Why in the world should I think about what I'm thinking about? Like doesn't that require more thinking, which in turn requires more energy? Perhaps yes. But when I thought about this phrase a little more in depth, I came to this conclusion. If in fact I am recognizing what I am thinking about, then perhaps I can be in control of my thoughts.

In 2 Corinthians 10, it talks about taking captive every thought. Now I'm fairly certain that when Paul writes this he isn't writing with this thought, "Oh, they can't really take captive their thoughts, it's not possible." No, I'm pretty sure he had a positive attitude and understood that it was in fact possible to take captive your thoughts. It's a process eh? I mean when we look at it, we could say it's impossible to constantly bring every thought into the obedience of Christ. But what we don't realize is it's not a now now thing, it is a growing process. Perhaps we can say that as I begin to seek positivity instead of negativity, that I will in fact begin to think in the way that I train myself. So as I daily, err, secondly take captive those thoughts that are trying to be higher than Christ, it will become my second nature to not allow that thought to become higher than Christ.

If my thought life is in line with Christ, won't that show out in my actions?

I feel like I've talked about this before. Haha. I guess in the end I just am realizing how important our thoughts are. We so often make it all about say the sin, and getting that sin fixed, but what does your thought life look like? What is provoking you to do that sin? *shrugs* It's an interesting thought. I mean that doesn't give us the right to sin, but if we give the thoughts to God, I have this thought that perhaps God can then help us deal with the sin. I do believe that. Just recently I began to work through some specific events that had happened a few years ago, that I had expertly stuffed down. Initially as I began to deal with it, I saw how these thoughts had been so twisted that I had believed the lies and began to walk in this area of sin. All because of this thought, the thought was an honest thought, it wasn't initially sin at all. This is why I do think that our thoughts have so much to do with our actions. And I know it's possible to be an overcomer in my thoughts, and in return my actions.

To Worship You I Live

A few weeks ago I went to church, and the worship was absolutely amazing. One of the songs was very simple. And I wanted to share it.

"To worship You I live
To worship You I live
I live to worship You"

We sang that over and over and over again. And then began singing, "la la la la" The lady that was singing that particular song stopped and started talking about how sometimes there are no words to say and we just have to sing out what the Holy Spirit puts in us. As we continued to sing those words "la la la" my heart felt quickened, as though it was no longer me worshiping alone, but it was almost like Holy Spirit began to worship through me, and began to almost teach me how to really truly worship. Not worship from my mouth, but worship from my heart. And oh my, let me tell you it was beautiful.

I've stated before that I really believe God wants us to worship in spirit and in truth. There are times when we aren't sure how to do that, and it can become as simple as singing "la la la" and allowing Holy Spirit to show you how to worship. By showing you, I guess I could say I mean Him showing you first and you copying, and as His cry deepens so does yours, and as His heart longs, so does yours, and as He rejoices in His worship, so do you. Almost like a copycat, yet learning to really worship. We could say engaging with the Holy Spirit, really truly, engaging in a deep worship with the Holy Spirit.

I had this revelation yesterday about God wanting to do it with us, not just there. But He wants to dwell within us, He wants to live our life within us and really with us, not just there, but He wants to dwell in the innermost parts. And that means even in worship, even in worshiping Him, He wants to be there. He isn't expecting us to worship a God far off in the galaxy, in a throne room that doesn't have time for us, oh no! He wants us to worship from within, from what He has given us, rather than what means we have. We don't have much to offer. I can't worship God very well, but when I allow the Holy Spirit to show me how to worship, it is then that my heart leaps, it is then that I know that I'm not just worshiping at random, but really worshiping my God. And I know it's not about me anymore, I know the life I live is about dwelling with Him. "To worship You I live, to worship You I live, I live to worship You." That is what I want my life to be, a worship lifestyle. I want to worship from the inner parts of me that I didn't know existed. I want my spirit to engage with the Holy Spirit, as the Holy Spirit teaches me and shows me how to walk in fullness of life.

Healing...

You know, I never thought there would be a day when I could say that there are certain areas in my life being healed. I always had come to the conclusion that it just wouldn't happen for me, mostly because I saw it in everyone else but never saw it happening in me.

Well this week remarkable things have begun to happen. Saturday, one of the guys I go to school with mentioned a gifting of the Holy Spirit, that had hurt me years ago. Not that the gifting itself hurt me, but I saw this gifting manufactured and toyed with and played around with, that I began to reject it being within my own life. I just wanted to be me without that gifting. And so I lived fine without it, now if someone else had that gifting and walked in it, there was always this little jolt inside of me going, 'I kinda wanna walk in that again.' But for the most part, I stayed far away from it because I didn't want to be hurt again. I associated this marvelous gifting of the Holy Spirit with pain. Well Saturday when my friend mentioned this gifting, my Spirit literally leaped within me. Yesterday I began talking to my mom and just laid it all out, everything from this rejection of this gifting to this whole other issue. I just laid it out on the floor, even though, mind you, I've also been hurting inside over some things my parents have done.

But I can feel the healing. I mean I told my mom yesterday, "I rejected a gift because I associated it with that church, where all this stuff went down, and where we really came out hurt, whether we realized it or not." My little sisters, 14 and 16 years old, just realized they too had rejected this gifting, and they were hardly impacted by the whole church deal. Goes to show how the enemy really can work and make you think that it's okay to walk away from something, from something God-given. I can feel the healing in that area, the desire to walk in that gifting so much stronger than ever before. I can feel the healing in my relationship with my parents, in the fact that I came to realize some deception that had been playing out, and I came absolutely clean with everything, to feel her forgiveness and love just sweep over me. Though it still is a struggle, I believe there is a beginning in my healing.

My point isn't big, I basically just wanna share what God is doing. I never expected it to happen, I never expected to want this gifting, to want to walk in it for what it is, not because it was manufactured or made up. I never expected to begin to work towards forgiveness with my parents and actually begin praying God's will into the situation, instead of mine. My point is God is good. He works in ways we do not see. He begins healing when we are oblivious to it, when we feel like it's just more pain. He is I am! He is the Almighty God. My God is well able to do above, beyond, all that we can ever imagine. And He is able to heal my broken heart! I know this to be true now. And I'm so glad He showed that to me!

Writing on the Wall

Yesterday I was reminded of BarlowGirl's song "I Believe in Love." In one of the youtube videos I've seen, Alyssa talks about this book they read. This group of people went into a concentration camp after a war, and in one of the cells, it said, "I believe in the sun even when it's not shining. I believe in love even when I don't feel it. And I believe in God even when He is silent."

I've been going through some stuff lately. I've been trying to hold on so tight, I've been trying to pick my feet back up and find purpose in all this. And after I watched that video again, God gave me this idea, "Why not write on the wall?" Now obviously I'm not going to write on my physical wall, but I have a new wall, my "W.O.W." wall.

Every time I hear "writing on the wall" I've been reminded of this guy who wrote on his cell wall. Who knows what he had left, really? What was his purpose? Was he going to make it through the week? The day even? Who really knows? But he had wrote that on his wall, as a reminder. And so my new wall, is going to become a place of encouragement, a place where God has spoken to me, so that in these moments of despair, in these moments of high stress, in those moments of craziness, I can look on that wall and remember who I am. I can remember where my hope is. I can remember WHO I serve.

Renewing Your Mind

You know I found it interesting the other day when I read Romans 12:2 for the millionth time.
Romans 12:2, “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – His good, pleasing and perfect will.”
I've read this verse so many times and honestly the only thing that registered to me was the "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world." But when you look into the rest of the verse, it says to be transformed by the renewing of your mind. THEN you will be able to test and approve what God's will is.

This verse has taken root in my heart lately as I've begun to take captive those negative thoughts that I have allowed to become higher than Christ, I have started to realize that really what is happening is a renewing of my mind. I truly believe that this renewing of my mind is really taking my selfish mind, MY personal mind, and letting it become like Christ's mind. In place of my personal, selfish mind, I allow Christ's mind to be my mind.

You know the bracelets WWJD? What would Jesus do? I wanna change them to say WWJT. What would Jesus think? I mean really our thoughts provoke our behaviour. There's a verse somewhere that talks about out of the overflow of our heart the mouth speaks. What is in your mind? What are you thinking about? What are you dwelling on? Because what you are dwelling on will most likely be what your behaviour is showing. If you are showing negative behaviour maybe it's time to look at your thinking to see what is going on. More importantly what would Jesus be thinking in a situation when things got a little bit tough for Him? How would He react? Would He find positive in it or would He complain about it and be negative towards it?

The next part of that verse says, "then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is." Wow! When we have a renewed mind, then we will be able to test and approve what God's will is. When we have a renewed mind, a Christ like mind, we will know the mind of Christ, and therefore when situations arise where we have to make a decision we can make a good decision because we have the mind of Christ and we will KNOW what His will is.

Approaching God

Last week at church I witnessed one of the cutest things. This little boy wanted to be near his mom but her hands were both being held by someone on either side of her, and she was crossing her legs so he couldn't sit on her knee. But he didn't let that stop him, he grabbed her one leg, and jumped up on her lap. As I thought about it, God reminded me of this verse.

"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace in our time of need." Hebrews 4:16

I think that what that little boy did was so powerful. Because he was confidant that his mom loved him, and he was confidant that she wouldn't push him off her lap, he wanted to be near her so he made it happen. I believe that God wants us to make it happen, to push aside those things that make us think God can't handle it or that maybe God is too busy. God is just waiting to hear from us, He wants us to approach the throne of grace with confidence.

I find it interesting that this verse says "so that we may receive mercy and find grace in our time of need." Let me ask a question, how often do you run to God when troubles face you??

In the face of troubles my instinct was to run hard and fast in the opposite direction. And after awhile of running, I'd stuff what had happened deep down in my heart, and rather than dealing with things I began to have a heart stuffed of pain and situations that had happened. The truth is no matter how much running and stuffing I did, I couldn't find this mercy and grace in my time of need. When I was in need of it, I found more turmoil, more upheaval by running from it.

I've been learning the secret to running to God in my time of need. And let me tell you, it is not something that I would want to get away from. The mercy and grace when I need it is so necessary in that time of need for me to keep going. Not only do I find mercy and grace at His throne of grace, I find peace. My heart can be calmed knowing and trusting in my King, in my Abba Father.

I believe God is calling us to be near to Him. He is asking us to throw aside those things that weigh us down and just come be with Him. Like that little boy would not let anything keep him from his mother, God wants nothing to keep us from Him. He wants to be near to us, He created us because He yearned for relationship with each and every one of us!

God is AWESOME!!

Today marked my last day of work. All week long I was plagued with the question, "Did I do everything I was supposed to here? Did I sow the seeds that were meant to be sown and water the plants that needed watering? Was I effective in showing God's love?" I'm amazed at God's awesomeness. He works when we don't even realize it. Let me share a story of His awesomeness. =)

Back in October, I, in desperation to get out of the house and stop being so depressed, applied for this job that seemed like it would be okay for a few months. It was supposed to be till the end of April and I thought I could handle that. My job began with my buddy being this grumpy older lady. At first I went home each day going, "God are you kidding? She is sooooo mean!" Well a few weeks into the job, I found out from my mom that this lady had recently lost her daughter. That changed everything, now that I knew that she was probably going through a rough time, I just began to open up a bit, let the not shy me come through. And somehow that makes people laugh, probably cause I can't talk OR I try to say everything all at once and it comes out in literally a big jumble. So as we began to have a relationship, she began to talk to me randomly, about things from her daughter to anything really. I just blew it over as she likes to talk a lot, complain lots, be a grump, etc. Not really thinking about it, not even praying for her, nothing.

Moving on, by the end of February, I began to really dislike my job. It became a challenge to get up every morning and go to work and try hard to enjoy it, try to do what was ahead of me. It was around this time that I was offered a permanent position there, and I accepted it, not sure what else I would be doing. Well then life got interesting by the end of March, and in that instant I wanted to go into hiding. I really didn't like my job, I had what seemed like nothing going for me in life, and thought the best thing would be to hide in a hole and suck my thumb. Haha. Needless to say, I didn't find a hole, instead I got up each day, trying to find purpose, trying to find some reason to live. Little did I know that God was using me when I was very very much unaware.

I've always heard the spiel about "You may just be a sower, and you plant the seeds. or you may be the waterer and water the seeds. OR you maybe the harvester and you might get to see the harvest. But if you don't see the harvest know that God is taking care of it, all your sowing and watering doesn't go to waste." Or something to that degree. I never expected to know how God could or would use me in my moment of weakness, in my desperation, in my brokenness.

Today I received a card, from that lady, it is one that will stay with me through the ages. I want to share part of it with you because it shows God's sovereignity and awesomeness. By the way, to my knowledge this lady is not a Christian, she knows about God but does not have faith, I guess is what you'd say.

"I believe that God, in His infinite wisdom, sent you into my life so soon after my daughter's death to heal me through that rough time and you have helped me immensely!"

Inside I'm screaming "But God, how? I was a mess for pretty much the first 3 months and then the last 4 months, how could You have used me? I didn't even pray for her! How God?" He hasn't answered yet, but I think He's showing me that I can indeed be used in ways I don't know, I can be used in brokennes. There is no way that I could have helped her heal, I see absolutely no way that's possible. But God was able to use what little I had to offer and turn it into good, cause He's awesome like that! My God stinkin' rocks this world!!!! Yay God!!!

My point for this blog isn't to show you what "I did" in my brokenness, but rather encourage you that in your brokenness, He can and will still use you! He is so able! He is so soveriegn! He works in ways we cannot see! He is soooooo awesome!!!